07:07 I HEARD A VOICES SAYING NERVOUS BREAKDOWN AND SCHIZOPHRENIA. They ruined last night.
Schizophrenia Screening Quiz
Please note, this quiz has limited validity.
Please interpret the below results cautiously.
You scored a total of 34
You scored a total of 86
Based upon your responses to this schizophrenia screening measure, you appear to have some early signs commonly associated with schizophrenia or a schizophrenia-related disorder. Your responses are similar to others who experience early symptoms of schizophrenia or a schizophrenia-related disorder. Because no online test is 100% accurate, please be aware that this does not necessarily mean you do have schizophrenia, only that this particular quiz found sufficient evidence to suggest that you may.
You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further verification and to see if you qualify for a schizophrenia or schizophrenia-related diagnosis from a trained mental health professional as soon as possible in order to rule out a possible schizophrenia or psychotic disorder.
The most common schizophrenia disorders diagnosed are: Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Schizophreniform Disorder.
Yeah I did a quiz twice before and after writing most of this. I can, especially now, only answer re a viewpoint of mine in a split second in time. Thinking of every possible permutation of what everything means/might mean/represents to me/others/you/some person future/my own future self i cannot do it does my head in. this is the fly-eye vision i have, to which that voice last night was obliquely referring. doesn't schiz mean a split-up mind? if it does and my own split-up-ness concurr then i spose i'm schiz, but only a dr can diagnose that.
last time i saw a shrink, bear in mind i thought i was normal, maybe a bit hyper. now i look back and see i was full-on +3 manic on my own rating scale (with +4 as psychotic manic). I was paranoid enough to be close to assaulting one perticular individual on the bus-ride there, for insulting me twice using exactly the same wording, but I wasn't floridly psychotic... anyway part of what I ranted at him went along the lines of "ha! you can't diagnose me manic because I have to be excited for a whole week and it's only been 5 days..." i carefully looked back and it was 8 to 9 days up, counting first instance of hearing voices as the start. definitely. which puts me into that dreadful DSM diagnostic trap. not to mention my own behaviour. it was in THAT context that i was asked "what do you know about schizophrenia". despite my paranoia centred upon this dr last night, believing he was out to get me, i do trust him more than any psychiatrist i've ever had. he's head and shoulders better. i'm usually a good-to-superb judge of character (though i don't claim infallibility, like everyone i've made dreadful mistakes, and also let WANTING something be override what i actually saw and really in my heart knew, if only id listened...) anyway his question made me ponder the matter far more than was comfortable. i wasn't allowed to google, read or look up anything until the fearsomely intense symptoms receded, and i felt more together, which took perhaps a month from that appointment, even though the "mania" or "mixed affective episode" only lasted maybe 10 days, 2 weeks tops before re-transforming into my characteristic depression... anyway i did eventually have a very quick look through the diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia which I had seen and remembered as wide open. that's because schizophrenia is diagnosed in the ABSENCE of prominent mood symptoms ie you think bipolar and depression first, schizophrenia and related illnesses second.
theoretically ANY symptom of schizophrenia can appear in bipolar. I've gone beyond the possibility that what's wrong with me is called "Depression with psychotic features", even mood-incongruent ones (which I have). Depression never feels good. What I have can feel fantastic. It can be terrifying. It can be very upsetting. It can hurt me a lot. It can do all those things and it can make me feel very blank. Last time I was really ill I remember feeling strongly that I didn't exist. The world was real; I was not. That's because I no longer WAS who I'd been I really was all bashed up!
The features schizophrenia has that are NOT usually in mania especially are socalled negative or deficit features. That is, disorders of volition. I very often feel like I'm shouting at somebody behind bullet proof glass. Someone who just won't listen to me, despite the urgency of action required. I'm reminded of the time I was threatened with homelessness. Instead of panicking I instantly went unreal. Moved my stuff to a friend's house rather than engaging with the local council (my landlord). And only actually made it down the council at 4pm, despite the situation. Where I remember the lady talking to me as if I was six. Saying loudly that I "looked a bit confused". Confused? You can say that again. It's these things, and my inability to do stuff or TOTAL UTTER LAZINESS whatever you want to call it. Eg I should have gone laundrette yesterday I just could not do it. I should clean my house I cannot face it. Whether high or low, which runs totally contrary to mania as traditionally envisaged, where people are ultra-involved. I'm involved/disinvolved in everything in every way. I'm a person of opposites, always have been.
no i don't feel people understand me at all. those test-writers really put their finger on it with that one. i feel especially misunderstood at na because they're looking at me through junkie-goggles. i don't FEEL like a junkie i'm fighting something way more formidable than drug addiction ever was; i can feel it; i can tell. It knocks me sideways, it upsets me, it rips into my life in a way not even drugs could do. and it makes me more unstable than i ever was on drugs. i barely think about heroin at all. that is the truth. i'm not craving. every often i semi-automatically want to go score: i need only remember i don't want to do it to squash that one. I won't harp on about na negatives as it's a positive place but i do wonder what they'd think of me if I snapped I HEARD VOICES TALKING TO AND ABOUT ME ALL THE WAY HERE. what they hear is "i'm an anxious/depressed junkie and think i'm ok bc i'm raging one minute, smiling the next yet can't focus on anything at all for any time which they think is drugs. drugs focused me in a way more, not less. every single one i can think of gave me a sense of inner peace, weather it was an upper or downer (not psychedelics though, apart from e which is semi-psychedelic, more transcendent than truly psychedelic...)
and no i don't think i'm "suffering more" than another addict.
i know i'm SUFFERING LESS that is the very point!!
i got what Sid gets from Ibogaine, which costs over £1000 a pop, FOR FREE. And it worked for me. Whatever bad it did, it distracted me from an addiction that nothing could break. Certainly not piss-weak methadone against industrial-steel heroin. As Mother Hubbs used to say, 60mg methadone is equivalent to a £10 bag as was, pre-drought. Meaning you need 120mg to equate a £20 a day habit IV. This is somebody who is a bit discriminating in who they score off. Neither one of us would EVER ring someone we don't want to just to keep a connexion open. I never did that. I scored off the same person for weeks on end as long as they were serving up and still had the good stuff. If it went bad they'd not hear from me until i got a promise all was OK. Heroin is Food of the Gods and anybody who dares sell rubbish is commiting a Crime Against Junkiedom ~ a highly serious matter!
Wow I feel a whole lot more together than I did last night. I need sleep now; it's 20 to 8 and I'm exhausted.
And yet again I've strayed into territory that makes me highly uncomfortable online. Because this really is very personal. I am not comfortable talking online about being near- mentally raped. I'm ashamed to talk about cracking up. I'm embarrassed to have been so very frank. I feel idiotic to have repeated myself so many times, though I only do this so somebody finding one single post by a google search can comprehend it without reading multiple days in both directions... I feel wide open, exposed, when I want to curl up and hide. I feel very hurt and very upset. Among many other things I feel these and if I dwell on them I really will get extremely upset so I'm derailing that train into a chinchilla did you know the fat furries need a marble in summer? Not a little rock-ball or glass ball. A stone chopping board you store in the freezer to take out in high summer for them to lie on, as their heavily furred mountain mars-bunnies. Sorry if that sounds irrelelvant but I can't think about THAT any more.
One last thing: when I talk about "not allowed" it's ME not allowing myself. I do have iron will you know. It is this will pushing me into territory I'm frankly miserable blogging about but I've gone this far, why not totally humiliate myself, y'know..? Iron will and lack of volition can go together. I never expected to find pictures illustrating what I feel you don't understand but here they are. Those images are what I feel, what I try to tell you, what I don't feel you see, but I feel. That.
(Especially picture one, the top one. That's exactly what I am. (But that colour lippie doesn't suit me))
I wish I could find a rave track to perk things up. I could do with some "euphoric recall"..! And I'm posting this NOW with no glancing-over. Else it won't get done, I'll be too self-conscious to do it so here goes...###!
No I don't "think" I've got schizophrenia. I don't "think" any one thing. I think lots of things and know nothing! I'm well aware that drugs drugs drugs have done me no good at all for a long long time, but I'm come to a point where I have to help myself and I don't know how. That's the point!!
09:57 That Jeremy Kyle is on. Always makes someone else's problem his own. But not in an Oprah-like way. (I say this for folks in foreign lands obviously. We're all sick of yet addicted to the bastard.) Like a rude, intrusive diametrical opposite of Oprah.
Just met 2 guys from NA in a van I was off me head. Shambling along the street. One said "when you've dropped the drugs..." which made me laugh my head off. Couldn't stop smiling anyway. Nothing wrong with being happy. Doesn't mean I'm on drugs. Means I'm on the magical powers of Walking Somewhere. And just happy. Woo
LEFTFIELD: (thanks Lizzie) Not Forgotten
Holiday photo log - I suggest starting at log 1 then it makes more sense. Or ignoring them all because there is nothing worse than being forced to view another's holiday photo...
1 hour ago