I'VE DONE TODAY. I got sleeping pills. Prescribed zopiclone 7.5s. Zopiclone is like a vastly superior version of zolpidem I think zolpidem is what Americans mean when they talk about Ambien. Zopiclone 7.5 is the best sleeper by far if you actually want to sleep and not abuse it. I say this as an old dr of mine sniffily described it knowing I was a heroin addict as a drug of abuse it is NOT abusing drugs to sleep when you are on a 26 to 36 to 48 hour sleep cycle. I kept forgetting what time people went to sleep and sleeping when I'd last woken up ie a day and a half later not a day later. Ukkkkkkkkkk.
As y'all can see I'm not going off my tree the way I was this morning. Why was that. I was trying not to do that but the intensity of the clang ang ang ang ong ong bong bing bong ting tongs was too much for my resonating brain not to go into and along with in the absence of any other coping mechanism that makes me not stress higher is the only way to go.
I got rid of teary-eyed friend by saying well if I do go more and more nuts how am I possibly going to handle it and not cause mighty disturbance in your house when you will want to sleep and I can't. That was the gist of it.
Teary eyed friend has enough problems of his own. Bad health problems that are physical not mental in essence. I don't need to upset anyone else.
O man HORRIBLE HISTORIES WHY DO THEY PUT THAT ON KIDDIES TV IT IS SHIT. It is the sort of crap that I remember from childhood. An adult's idea of children's entertainment. Probably only liked by highly bouigo fuckit middleclass kids who have tutors adn private schools and no childhood d why does no channel tune in. Was I so out of it I didn't notice? I don't care i WANT MY TELLY TO WORK.
Did I say I was going to NA today. Yeah I did. Well I will go. At least I seem 2 cause a trail of havoc everywhere I go. There is some fun to be hadn on that. Shame no wheels on the chairs swivel-style in there y'can have some pretty good childish fun on a chair with little wheels that goes like a space rocket and a computer somebody has left on BUT NO PASS CARD ARKHHHHH I COULD HAVE LEFT SOMETHING ENTERTAININGLY INAPPROPRIATE UP.
I just went all over the place into bits of akakakak ak ak ak akkkakakakakakakkaak
but am trying to FOCUS not like a locust hocus pocus opus III
fucking hell i have got to go i thought i was ok every bloody time EVERY TIME every time
NOT IN ONE PLACE PALACE BUCKINGHAM PALACE.
I once knew someone with Paranoid Schizophrenia who mentioned "going down Buckingham Palace" and thought ... "that's a colourful way of getting arrested" i don't know what i said i certainly didn't try and set him off he was my friend i cannot getin touch with members of a dismantled clique and cliques are what i used to get into fucking psychoanalyse that if you want to waste your time someone else said We are a clique. I thought yeah we are. A heroin clique. With a nice Big Fat Bags dealer every morning. Yummmmmmmmmmmm.
I wonder if lithium is as much fun.
Don't you need a blood test with lithium.
I remember a woman at a psych clinic saying "I'm only here for a blood test" I thought "ha! manic depression" picked up enough bits and pieces over years to recognize that one bloody lithium. doesn't it taste nice sprinkled on fish and chips? i heard it tastes like salt. or is it just "a salt" as PROPER HEROIN is a salt. i wouldn't put THAT on fish and chips. wouldn't do anything with it now. WOULD HAVE put it straight in a vein.
which is why it is a salt
as HEROIN BASE IS CRAP why the HELL do they inflict that on us
no wonder i gave up
CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CARP IT IS DETERMINED TO TALK ABOUT JAPANESE FISH SO CARP ON.
What the hell was I on about. O yeah the chocolate dark gear sb mentioned with speckles in it, always had when i came across it, i used to love that one. really nice and strong. one of my favourites. another was beige and cooked up golden brown (not dark mahogany as recent)... cat litter (grey chunks) i loved. white was my favourite. white base. PROPER H4 white. THAT IS WHAT I LIKED.
note the past tense
what the hell am i going on about
i am tired
to be going to a fucking meeting which is isnt what which what ot not plot uu o stoppid just stop it.
The incoherence is mental. This thing keeps running off with ideas of its own stupid thing. I made a good joke earlier about a vespa scooter. To someone who only rides 1100cc with leathers and "back support" (what is that?)
i had some vivid headfucker fun by mentioning skin grafts as sequaelaeaeaeaeaea to a bike accident (if you don't wear leathers) ukkkkkkkkkkk
ko cor man gotta go go go go (not GO) i WOULD Have lamped somebody at some point. i "put a bad vibe in the room" by sharing at the last NA 2 days ago RANTING AWAY IN FURY.
of course they all think it is CRACK why would i POSSIBLY WANT TO SMOKE/INJECT COULD WOULD NOT EVER WASTE TIME SPLIFFING IT FUCKING HELL SOME WOMAN ONCE AT A MEETING SNOBBILY "ONLY SMOKED IT IN A SPLIFF SPLIFF PLIFF FUCKING SHUTTUP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE AN OLD JUNKIE I HATED THOSE FUCKING MEETINGS being the person in the room with the worst habit bar one time it made me want to puke also DARING CONTRADICT SOMEONE causing more hassle than it was worth these aw
were not NA
they were other meetings that are put together for anyone who wants to go.
I think some had offenders in them but they aren't punishment meetings when you have to bang on about shoplifting for 2 hours every morning or afternoon or be arrested. Then you can score outside. RIGHT OUTISIDE or find someone to pipe with if piping in company is your thing.
gotta lotta free crack that way when i did it
people who can't even smoke on their own whats wrong with them ha ha
ha ha ha only time i truly binged 20, 20, 20, 20, 20 £££££ was when someone else was paying. i binged at a far slower rate. i binged speedballs. i won't call them snowballs as snowballs are also advocaat and lemonade or more properly beautiful round pills that are trippy and strong and delicious from late 1992
should i avoid INJECTED WITH A POISON the "song" i never heard that one at a rave it was on Ultimate Rave II type compilations. not bc of ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY TAKING DRUGS NOW BECAUSE I DON'T DON'T DON'T
DO I NEED TO REPEAT THIS FOR AN ENTIRE PAGE
THAT I TAKE NO DRUGS AT ALL.
I HAD ONE BLACK COFFEE AND WAS ALREADY BOUNCING OFF WALLS AND PINGPONGONGONGONGONGINILNGNGINGINGGLNILGNG IN MY HEAD BY THE TIME COFFEE 2 HAD GONE COLD
that is what i meant by cocaine on the brain. COFFEE
bloody hell how can coffee possibly be so
o i'm off now there is no
i can't concentrate to write
i decidede to post
i left a real bingkers bonkers manicshamanic Anna Grace finally admitted to using heroin again it's only been going on a short time. She is an addict with lots of problems including childhood ADD which was treated with Ritalin. From a young age. And bipolar. Which manifested BEFORE HEROIN ADDICTION. I really really think people who want to be so openly judgemental on that girls blog should fucking do one i'm getting more and more angry with them tghey want to shut up
and also perhaps think of leaving at least a street name or a made up name
so they are not just some random anonymous hwo you cant tell is anon1 anon2 anon3 anon4 or more
ok that's about it
probably off to NA
making no promises
will try i'm not entirely sure NA is the place to be. not at all.
there's healing. there is an obsession with drugs
which does my head in i don't need any bloody drugs doncha all get that
how can you POSSIBLY THINK OF DOING A PIPE ON CRACK WHEN YOU'RE AS HIGH AS I AM ALREADY THAT IS ABSOLUTELY CRAZY THAT IS HOW YOU GO SO BADLY COCKADOODLES YOU REALLY MIGHT CAUSE SOME TERRIBLE HARM
i may be a recovering junkie but i'm not StUPID
"stupid" not saint Upid. cupid. arrow. needle. in the arm. leg. finger linger push in
go to NA.
thanks for all the comments i am going to have to read them about 4 times to know i have got what anybody actually said o why o why actually this does explain something
i can't be bothered explaining. to do with a bad attention span. bad to terminal but alive doesn't terminal mean ill? or an aeroplane terminal or a train terminal/us all of us at St Pancras station you can get to Paris there I wish I was in Paris hey I ...........
............will leave it there why do i sound so fucking out of it i'm so tired i need to sleep
18:01 OK this is opus iii
i once shared a house with somebody who went to school with kirsty hirkshaw whateverthefuckhernameis and said she was a real prissy person, which is kind of ironic when you see the person she turned into ie probably she is a person like me who was one person at one time and another at another so fucking what anyway WHAT THE HELL IS THE LABEL OLD SCHOOL DOING ON THIS this was only ever derivative music, never "rave" maybe like the prodigy it was played on white label before being released in a pop format with professional video, i remember her on top of the pops twiddling chinese shiny hand balls
ps ideas please and quick: i'm leaving for NA within the hour it's just after 6pm.
Shall I wind 'em all up by saying my Dear Old Aunt died leaving me a half mil which I'm blowing on crack and nearly all out?
Or shall I tell BITTER UNVARNISHED FULL-ON DETAILED (AND THIS REALLY WILL SEND ME OFF) GREAT FUCKING AAKAKDKDKADSKDSKFANESS THING???????
Or tell a grown up yeah boring crap this is probably what I'm meant to do:
shall I be a bit circumspect and say o i'm not coping very well and it's an ongoing problem that started before the drugs
well i think i have my answer and i am trying to be calm i don't feel it i don't feel calm
going to na sets me off
being there there is a serenity. i don't feel it as such, i feel less hyped up in there
o somebody say something please. Anyway
oh fucking hell what am i saying nobody who knows their coke and knows britain would blow a half mil on the crap they were selling last time i was into crack. you'd make up your own coke freebase. FAR wiser (crackhead-wise!!)
(are crackheads ever wise?)
only at doing a lot of fucked up things they probably wouldnnt be proud of later!
It was Christmas eve in a war zone - I just about managed to rise this morning but shining is still a long way off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had my usual stress dream last night....
2 hours ago