HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Off

I'M SWITCHING OFF. I'm sick to death of any talk of how I feel and what has happened and what it might or might not be and blah blah blah it's all too much, I'm fed up, I feel sick and tired and still not well and I've had enough. I said I would do a drink diary I don't mind posting that. The mood thing I might go on trying it online for a day or two but I feel too exposed too nauseated too confused to be posting stuff about what was basically the nastiest thing that has ever happened to me. Now I'm switching this machine off; it has been glaring at me all day between lots of other things that were basically just time-wasting. I have to find a life somewhere and I won't find it online.

9 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

Well, we'll be here if you change your mind. Be well as possible and I mean it.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

There's nothing wrong with taking a break.
all the best,
j.

Baino said...

Well shit Gleds. That's two of my favourite bloggers gone in the same weekend. I hope you rethink. Come back when you're ready. You will be missed.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Yes, come back when you're ready. Thinking of you, Gleds. xx

E. London Grl-Jen said...

Gleds please, if you switch off, come back, and please please please at least keep up with your email. There are people that really wish to keep in touch with you, like myself, and I know you can't please others while not pleasing yourself....please just know that you do help so many, perhaps without realising it...I have your email now, and will use it. And by the way, Trisch died of carbon monoxide poisoning...I saw the 'tribute' you did to her in your post for Saturday.
Take care of yourself, and please stay in touch...and even if you keep your blogger account open, why don't you come to it just whenever you feel like it & leave it at that? Then at least you won't feel like you have to come here to blog...
Anyways, wishing you nothing but the best...
Jen

beatifnik said...

A break will do you good. Hope you keep updating now and again to let us know how you're doing.

Gledwood said...

i was on a real downer all evening all night so bad i couldn't face walking in my own house i just stayed outside and avoided people i will explain why tomorrow it was annoying enough just being alive let alone ... something else

it annoys me when they call me intelligent in clinics etc as if addicts are thick what they cannot do in general is connect to their feelings because they don't fucking WANT to that's why they are using hard drugs!

i noticed there were very few blogs that gave details on using addicts' lives, more clean ones than absolutely lost in the middle of it ones which is exactly what i was when i started blogging

what i am usually trying to do is keep a memory of that day or the day before depending when i post from the perspective of that moment it is written, it is not meant to be a huge analysis of me, which is what it looked and felt like.

i found myself repeating stuff i didn't really want to speak about at all, not only speaking about it but to however many people a lot of whom i have no idea who they are, as if it didn't do my head in enough i have that and that is what i couldn't do any more

i can still blog but it's this mood diary as i said i will try putting it online but if i can't do that then i can't

Syd said...

I think that it's good to write thoughts here or in a journal. I do both. The more personal stuff goes in a journal.

Gledwood said...

I am not v good at making a dichotomy like that i'd rather post it all here with provisos written in so i don't get misinterpreted

it's stuff like saying "i have had depression on and off since age 10" that get tiring because it makes it look like i obsess on that when all i'm doing is stating fact to somebody, anybody anywhere, who wouldn't necessarily know, no matter how many times that has been stated before. because that single post may be all they brought up via google.

i think it's bad blogging to assume everyone follows and remembers and retains everything about you because that's not how the bloggosphere works you know

and i get a LOT more readers than commenters sometimes i know i do

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood