HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Librium

I HAD TO GO VISITING today. My friends live in flats. Downstairs. But no light on. Seemingly she saw me as the intercom crackled with her distinctive Liverpool voice: "wait a sec!" So I did. Then I thought I'd phone anyway and she sounded off-beam, like she hadn't just spoken to me a few moments before and I thought, That was odd.

Then he comes out and I said "Did she just talk to me through the intercom" and he said "No, what are you talking about! That hasn't worked for years! What are you on?!"

And I said "Nothing," he said: "No you're on something." So I said, "No, I'm not drinking so it must be DTs." He looked at me carefully and said, "I'll go and get you a couple of Librium," so he did, he got me nine and said "Don't tell her."

I'm to take three every four hours, then they should hold me till next day. I don't know the milligrams but they're blue and white, like Prozacs. I took three as directed and barely felt anything.

So they probably make a good substitute for alcohol. Pills that don't do anything are easier to cut down on than drink, which I can feel something off.

Later on someone quite different asked me whether I'm on LITHIUM. Thanks so much, Friends.

I'm not on anything. I'm not taking gear, that's why I'm falling apart. I feel the fractures. It doesn't feel bad, it just feels bizarre. Quite fun though. I've been sleeping like a harvest mouse. Hibernating for hours on end.

O will I ever get off these drugs? Yes, because I have to.

Tomorrow I'm planning an expedition to Mr Temazepam (Mr Librium cannot go on sparing his partner's pills.) Mr Temazepam wants good dollars for his supply but as I say, if it's more "medical" than cutting down on just drink then I'm willing to go for it.

I got hooked on the feeling of drink. Now I'm without that feeling. So it's a step ahead already!

There is a significant risk of pharmacological dependence on diazepam and patients experiencing symptoms of benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome if it is taken for 6 weeks or longer.

(Wikipedia: Diazepam) Being as I shouldn't be taking it for any longer than 10 days maximum, I ought to be fine ...

14 comments:

Baino said...

Can't you get your own prescription? Surely your doctor/drug worker understands that coming off both gear and booze is a trial and you need some help? Why pay when you could get them on the NHS? Anyway, I'm glad you're sticking with the program. 2011 could be your year honey.

Gledwood said...

I could, but by the time I've battled through the set-up process, which as far as I know involves a different agency (alcohol not drugs) I could have come off already!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. Take care there and here's to a better new year. Love from Sicily. xx woof! from Simi

Gledwood said...

And A Happy New Year to Yous Both!

(Woof-woof-boe!)

Gledwood said...

And A Happy New Year to Yous Both!

(Woof-woof-boe!)

Gledwood said...

And A Happy New Year to Yous Both!

(Woof-woof-boe!)

Gledwood said...

O shall I say that once more...?

AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU BOTH!!!!

beatifnik said...

Happy new year Gleds! Here's to 2011 being Your Year. Did you know there's a project running to encourage people to blog every single day in 2011? Reckon you'd be perfect for it...

http://oneadaybloggers.wordpress.com

Gem xx

beatifnik said...

Happy new year Gleds! Here's to 2011 being Your Year. Did you know there's a project running to encourage people to blog every single day in 2011? Reckon you'd be perfect for it...

http://oneadaybloggers.wordpress.com

Gem xx

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi gledwood,
I guess different meds & their effects vary by individuals.
Librium,I remember that it's one of the meds in Limbitrol which I'd been on a good while.
Now I'm on Elavil (amitriptyline)which really helps me sleep.They are also prescribed for migraines here.

I'm so glad the holidays are over. I'm tired of all that celebrating & drinking.

I know Valium stays in the system longer which can be good.Ativan wasn't for me at all, I was glad the doc agreed to that.
I agree with your not wanting to substitute one drug for another or alcohol, but can it be simpler to wean off alcohol at home? Without in-patient & all that?
I don't know.
All the best,
j.

BMelonsLemonade said...

Librium is a weak benzo. But, it is very week in comparison, to say, Clonopin. Librium is often prescribed by doctors for all kinds of withdrawal, and they always settled my nerves, without giving me a slight rush like xanex...which just left me wanting more heroin. I hear the kick from benzos is much worse than that of dope, but I think you have to use them a lot. I used to take xanex all the time, and I never experienced withdrawal. I never had a prescription, though. I say that if something can ease your pain in these early stages Gled, let it ease your damn pain! Alcohol withdrawal is quite dangerous, though...

Jeannie said...

I hope you can do this. Be aware that you are still self-medicating and should probably inform your doc of what you've done. He might set you up with the "right" stuff in case your experiment doesn't work. I'm not saying that I don't think it will work - I haven't a clue, but, by going through the channels, you will have a back-up plan in place right away and you won't lose motivation in frustrating waits.

Akelamalu said...

I'm hoping you know what you're doing Gleds. I so want you to get off everything and become a famous author. x

Gledwood said...

Beatifnik: thanks I'll have a look but I DO blog nealy EVERY single day anyhow....

Taffeta: the only problem I can see withe drink is that it tastes too nice and gives a buzz that benzos don't. Valium is by far the nicest one you've mentioned. I also like temazapam which I only just discovered is known as Restoril in the States... do you know that one? What do you think of it? Temazepam 20mg is just about thee most popular benzo in this country...

BMelons: Librium weak? You can say that again! I barely felt anything off it.
Typical puritanical drs, saying diazepam has a "higher abuse potential" (in other words you can actually feel it!) so is a drug of low abuse potential because it doesn't work? That seems to be their reasoning! I'd say zopiclone has low abuse potential (not available in the USA) because it's a sleeping pill that just makes you sleep and doesn't make you high first. Ie it's one of the best sleepers there is. Wonderful. Temazapem by contrast simply keeps me awake feeling rubbery for several hours until I have taken several,... which is, as far as I know, NOT the general idea. Xanax never did it for me. Valium worked WAY better. Thankfully Xanax isn't widely used in the UK... it was pathetically weak on me, really didn't hit the spot at all. Unlike Valium which works wonderfully!

Jeannie: those drs are a bit prissy. He might well approve off the record (yet wouldn't be allowed to tell me) I'm just fed up of the whole business. I'd rather switch to pills as I get the nasty solvent-stinking sugary drink out and AWAY from me. I don't like drink. So for that reason I'm more into benzo detox than alcohol reduction. Considering benzo reduction is what they do in hospital I'm more than happy with that

Akelamalu: thank you. I still have a good 5 book ideas... hopeuflly if they do 80 million each that'll be 400 million books sold!! (More per book than JK Rowling) .... well you gotta dream ;-)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood