HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, January 28, 2011

On Doctor-Drugs

I'M ON DRUGS AGAIN! The Doctor's Risperidone stuff. It knocked me right out. I don't like the feeling of being brought down. I was very peeved (to put it nicely) last night. I watched something to do with baying furry huskies in the arctic. They remind me of Japanese or American akitas (American ones came over after the defeat of Japan in World War II, they're generally bigger and furrier and come in patterns the Japanese wouldn't consider "right"). Akita dogs seem to have a fairly reserved temperament. They don't run up to people they don't know, though one once did to me and stared into me, very intense, not aggressive, just looking at me. She had beautiful fur. She used to go walkies in my Dealer Park.

Anyway I was TRYING to keep relevant and on topic.

I woke up after 8 hours sleep at the very shortest. It was probably closer to 9. 10-6, though the last bit was me awake going uuuuuuuuuh?!? zonked out of my head on this antipsychotic stuff.

My head was going quick. I know the sign. Waking up with loud very fast music going round my brain is NOT what used to happen. Also the strange sense that my head is echoing outside itself (that is I can hear the echoes) even when that happened before it didn't happen within 5 mins of waking up.

I learned about symptoms from a self-help guide re depression. It says the first to come on are usually the last to go, which is why I put them down, even though I'm not depressed. I hoped I wasn't going there last night I was in a pretty bad mood. Anyway before I go in a complete loop that's all there is...

... and this in italics happened when one sentence was struck down:~

Lizzy is talking to me on the other screen on Gabbly. I think she is rushing about between bits of toast, hairbrushes and coffee. Lizzy would never smoke cigarettes. She is a nurse... Now (10 mins later) she's gone to work.

oh yeah and "turning into pure energy" (yesterday) was a feeling more than an idea (not a delusion!) (methinks he doth protest too much, ha ha!)

Illustrated: American akitas (can you see why I was slightly nervous when one ran directly up to me in a park, you wouldn't want to mess with one); snake biting its tail, how I tend to go ~ in circles ~ no I don't think I'm a pair of gold earrings; "pure energy" google brought this up, not what I was looking for but it looks nice

MOZART: REQUIEM; LACRIMOSA - CLASSICAL
ok far as i know, lacrimosa is the decent part of mozart's requiem and lacrimosa means sadness or sad. crying sad not utterly pathetic. mozart is a lot of things, pathetic is not one of them!



MOZART: REQUIEM TRANCED UP
with pictures



MOZART: REQUIEM TRANCED UP
faster and bassier than the old version

10 comments:

bugerlugs63 said...

good.
i just wrote few lines and deleted.

i spose i dont know what 2 say.

i just done it again (wrote/deleted)
cud go on forever

i come back later
y am i writing a comment atall?

because a horse on hampergirls tv just said;

"nothing good comes easy"

straight from the horses mouth!

y do we say that?

i feel like my brain(s) has/have
been swapped ofr wet cooton woll
(that was not intentional)
in the night.
b back later

hope today is good.
x

Gledwood said...

thanks

are you ok?

depressed?

i can't tell just by reading it what mood you were in (i'm not trying to be personal: what I mean is, I cannot tell on the internet what we'd both know about each other from just being in the same room, nothing more personal than that)

nothing good comes easy, that's right

sometimes it comes very difficult

other times it comes by total chance but would be near-impossible to do deliberately, if not impossible

winning the lottery would be a good one

take care and don't think too much in cotton wool i prefer candy floss, you can eat that, but it's sticky

cotton wool ~ oh yeah! you can clean ya ears out with cotton wool i used to love doing that

hope i haven't totally lost you in pointless points!!

i hate being on this medication shit

it's not like antidepressants for depression where you just take yourself out of it

this is me not being me any more, it's horrible

antidepressants either do NOTHING to me or WORK PROPERLY ie full on not at ALL depressed (no "taking the edge off crap, they proper work when they do) or they make me HIGH

like i said the only effect i don't relate to re antidepressants is the half-arsed one i've heard people talk about in drug clinics, with me they work or they don't or they make me go off like a firework!

not sure i'll be getting those again in a hurry, not considering how extreme i got within 2 or 3 days of depressed, and that wasn't even on meds or drugs or anything bar a bit of drink, a bit of coffee!

don't let those robos be naughty!

:-)

bugerlugs63 said...

yes i gatherd that u din't like the meds and it wasn't u anymore.

i try wen got time 2 read other comments & responses to draw a better picture.

most seem pleased/releived etc that u on those meds and that u sounding more"normal"

but i not so sure
thats y i dint know what 2 say.

and still dont cus it not 4 me 2 say.
do these meds "care for your soul"?
or even help u to do that
i dont know. im pretty confused myself.

yes keep that other foot well clear of the floor!
conjured up a great vision.
u gripping tightly on kitchen worktop with left hand
and left foot on floor.(twitching ever so slightly cus it wants to join in)
right leg raving wildly,
to the beat within,
right hand manically weilding that knife again!
o well it made me smile.

not sure if i depressed.
am on anti-depressants (4 mnths)
which is about how long they take apparently 2 kick in
(he cant have thought i was desperate)

since mon was very hyped up.
cleared out/cleaned up loads.
laughed more than usual
spoke more than usual.

but so tired by evening fell asleep last 3 nites and 4 got 2 take them

this might explain "hangover" that i have?

i did consider NA but long way 2 travel for me + kids to deal with
mum said "whats the point? u would have 2 talk 2 people and u dont do that"

but i can/will talk/relate 2 "nutters" junkies etc

think u said there is one on-line i must look into that.

went on anti- depressants yaers ago pre-gear and thought i was ok on them.
till i "ran away" with someone on a narrow boat (pre-kids)
he suggested i might not need them.
i stopped
i realised i had not been myself at all whilst on them (i.e. sociable, outgoing, bubbly etc etc)

thats was me on them.

all very well 4 fitting in but that
was not ME.
that frit me!
i explained this 2 doc this time which is y he gave me something subtle.

think i wight be waffling a bit

anyway 2 brill sdide effects of my mighty house clearance;
robos happy cus i found endless empty foil rolls and foil boxes.
their "tanks" look like cardboard re-cycling bins.

and a 5 x 2 ft built in wardrobe got emptied.
hamper girl thought it looked perfect territory 4 nest building.

so we each got our own nest now.
after almost 4 yrs.
we both slept better.

think i might have just come down a bit today.
or cud be missed pills

now i going in circles
i dont know. batteries r defo a bit flat today.

i know drugs worker would recommend a good walk as opposed to a bad one. but i cant be arsed.
also know what she would say 2 that!

maybe its not the drugs worker's voice i can hear. maybe its that of the horrible/sensible parent.

"don't want to!" sayeth the brat
o dear guess who's in charge.

really gotta go.
loving the tunes.

back in a bit
take care
x

lizzydripping said...

ha little do you know - i smoke a lot of fags and the very occasional reefer, i dont own a hairbrush, dont often eat toast and i am a social worker (mental health type) not a nurse.

Akelamalu said...

Give the meds a chance eh Gleds? x

Gledwood said...

Buggalugz: parent and brat... I never knew I was 2 people till a while ago. I'm sure everyone is.

one foot on the floor? i will be floating naturally so i won't need to bother

Sorry if I haven't asnwered every point my concentration today (Saturday) is fucked

I hope you're OK.

Lizzie: you just destroyed an image!!! How can you do that!!! I knew you did something mental I couldn't remember exactly what... why did I think you were a nurse? I got interviewed by someone doing your job in the hospital. He knew all the stuff, and so do you and I thought of him as a nurse, so maybe that's the confusion... Who Knows?!!!

Those tunes have to wait till 2morrow, the broadband won't let me!

Akelamalu: yeah I will I had no idea what to expect. They've only ever given them in tiny doses for sleep and/or anxiety that was nearly 20 years ago!

lizzydripping said...

sorry to destroy the image i hate people thinking i am a straight head
:)
does that mean you think less of me?

Gledwood said...

when did I say I thought you were straight??!?

I was only saying I thought you had a job and were in a hurry!

What we must have done is read 2 completely different images from the same words. Of course my image came first, but I read it when I read my own words, you read something different...

I never did think you were a straight head! Knowing what you probably mean absolutely not.

The only kind of straight that is good is not being a drug addict!

lizzydripping said...

:)

Gledwood said...

;)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood