DR RUTH ON CASUALTY ON BBC TV IS CRACKING UP. I saw her last week [last night]. Casualty is Accident and Emergency (ER means Elizabeth Regina, the Queen over here when you're not watching American telly).
She looks like she's having a manic bipolar episode. Into this mingles a girl in an attick. The girl scrapes free onto the roof. Her parents think she can fly. Or she does. She ends up in hospital. Supposed to be schizophrenic. Treated by manic dr Ruth. This was a major headfucker to watch.
Dr Ruth was "hearing voices" but the voices were very vague. Not clear "hello hello hello darlin I've got some lovely peaches down me stall!" not like that ha ha!
Also she does what I do. Reads something, 2 words, zigzags down the page. Gotta get it quick. I got that one the second it happened. A letter. A blank page saying "HELP ME". What she's done is open a letter that says something else. Help and Me are where her eyes fall. So she thinks Schizogirl is asking for help.
Is a bit overhyped enough to think she's a brain surgeon, which she's not. She's an emergency dr. Calms schizogirl down. Tells schizogirl I hear your voices too. The voices are caused by an auditory nerve disturbance I will sort this out with XYand Z. Before we know it, schizogirl is asleep on ketamine (anaesthetic, ketamine is a HUMAN ANAESTHETIC NOT A TRANQUILLIZER FOR HORSES, it could whack a horse out cold if you needed to remove its hoof THAT is what ketamine is for THAT is why I never abused it too much. KETAMINE HAS A VALID MEDICAL USE if you abuse that so badly it doesn't work for you... it could be nasty. Nasty situation where ketamine, used to cut people out of cars etc doesnt work ~ you don't want that).
Meanwhile the Voided ECT mother, reason for parents' refusal of psychiatry, because ECT messed this lady, the mother so badly up. Casualty always involves a lot of interpersonal revelation (more than ER) so the failure of communication in their marriage came up. Sudenly Void Woman isn't a Void and is saying "I never told you because you never asked" and the intricacies of medicating somebody's personality are ins and outed.
Meanwhile Dr Ruth has Ketamine Girl on a slab with head holdy-together metal stuff around it ready for surgery. Senior Doc Doc knocks on door. Verbal fight through locked door. Very senior colleague is taken out of heart surgery to come upstairs and persuade Manic Girl to open the door. She is instantly jumped upon by non-nasty but insistent police which in that state would set you off like nothing else ultra ultra hyper fast confusion high.
What did my head in was watching this and seeing 2 nutters and neither is going fast enough to be vroom-vrooms in the head. Ultra fast whirling cyclone whirlwind centrifuge up into a dimension of pure energy that fast that high why am I so Special?
O I don't know I'm trying to put this in a nutshell. I don't usually watch Casualty i watch Holby City which is set in the same hospital but upstairs and easier to follow that one's on Tuesdays
This is dr Ruth apparently post-suicidal. Never in my life seen this: the only relevant clip of her I can find because she... she's a dr in A&E and I'm me and i don't let Casualty in my house it's boring
OK gotta go. Sleep diary 2130 hrs sleeping pill. Didn't sleep till past midnight 30 distraction ate a pie. Woke up several times in the night my head vo-vo-vo bobibbibingbonganging which I mention to make a point: yeah I can play with anything that happens to me, but this IS me. It's me asleep and awake. I need to remember this for later when I start questioning myself.
O yeah woke up it was dark sometime after 6am got up after half an hour i'm deliberately sleeping as long as i can otherwise i would have got up at 2 or 3. i'm most hyper in the morning, as a very general rule. stress makes me more hyped up into a swoosh swoosh yesterday i couldn't understand what they were saying in that car. Talking about me. Who? My name. Which person? Why me? Are we going to a rave? I said none of this i managed to behave but still said a few things considered rude which to be frank i don't even recall i remember just saying as little as i could unless we were conversing bat and ball really quickly i really liked it when Irish guy next to me said bi-bibb-bibbibop cant rememberwhat or why he was playing i thought yeah cool keeping the vibe alive. it's a real stress trying to behave. i AM responsible I keep my clothes on, i don't hurt anyone, i don't kill myself, i try and be considerate yeah its got this extreme. keys phone. not always money. those are together. she told me a way of keeping myself clean bc other person we know fell apart these methods work. i gotta wash my hair, i gotta wash using a footbowl hot water flannel legs in front of tv for hours easier than shower power hour y'know ok gotta go
11:40 I actually watched that clip. All touching and all that. But what the hell is he doing reading her diary? This is a blog, that is a diary, read someone's personal shit and you get what you deserve. Which is why mine was filled with deliberate lies by the end. I knew who was reading it. Give 'em what they need, the bastards!
10:25 me on tv: i love this this is obviously too QUIET but it's buzzzzzzzzzyy buzzy busy as a bee it's me yumm yumm yummee: have a watch and see:~
THE SOUND NOT THE OLD LADY YOU IDIOT!!
10:43 sorry i'm a bit shouty this morning. i'm seeing a nut dr wednesday. holding out till then. he's like my mind dealer. i have to tell frankness. can't do mindgames. can't do what does he think need want to see believe disbelieve i can only be me me me that's why mental illness isn't illness. not like the people limping you see at Social Security Doctor offices, people pretending to be crazy (looked like he was pretending to be stupid in my view) etc etc there is no need for exaggeration information i tried to tell him when i say a little i mean a little when i say very i mean very i say what i mean what you think i mean otherwise we're on different wavelengths here it's very confusing. i think he's a good doctor. some psychiatrists are shit. now they take me seriously, i can tell. for once in my life. once drugs are out of the way, once i gave clean screens drugs screens once all that heroin was passed i became myself again and i told them every time i try and live without it i fall apart and they think i'm being a neurotic junkie as i say i say what i mean falling apart is falling apart, not being a little bit upset for a couple of days this is what does my head in about doctors assuming i maximise when i can only cope by minimizing, whacking things AWAY, they're not important they don't matter they're not real if they were i would not could not cope thats too much to cope with i can only do one thing at a time i ask him what the thing is then i do it, then he can't say "butyou're not doing it" then i can work myself and change myself i'm not doing counselling i've tried it for years i am pissed off and fed up with that knee jerk idea i already keep a blog which is a photo collection of where i am where i was i am not picking picking picking at scabs, when you have a wound you leave it alone let it heal i'm not into reliving past nastiness that is unhealthy "least said soonest mended" became my motto. not let it all hang out. what hangs out here and now is my own thought pattern, not my life, not the life i don't want to live that's the bad stuff that's what i got taken away from, that's why i call this my Higher Power because it's more Powerful than Heroin and THAT my friends is Power
It was Christmas eve in a war zone - I just about managed to rise this morning but shining is still a long way off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had my usual stress dream last night....
2 hours ago