HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Dr Ruth is cracking up

DR RUTH ON CASUALTY ON BBC TV IS CRACKING UP. I saw her last week [last night]. Casualty is Accident and Emergency (ER means Elizabeth Regina, the Queen over here when you're not watching American telly).

She looks like she's having a manic bipolar episode. Into this mingles a girl in an attick. The girl scrapes free onto the roof. Her parents think she can fly. Or she does. She ends up in hospital. Supposed to be schizophrenic. Treated by manic dr Ruth. This was a major headfucker to watch.

Dr Ruth was "hearing voices" but the voices were very vague. Not clear "hello hello hello darlin I've got some lovely peaches down me stall!" not like that ha ha!

Also she does what I do. Reads something, 2 words, zigzags down the page. Gotta get it quick. I got that one the second it happened. A letter. A blank page saying "HELP ME". What she's done is open a letter that says something else. Help and Me are where her eyes fall. So she thinks Schizogirl is asking for help.

Is a bit overhyped enough to think she's a brain surgeon, which she's not. She's an emergency dr. Calms schizogirl down. Tells schizogirl I hear your voices too. The voices are caused by an auditory nerve disturbance I will sort this out with XYand Z. Before we know it, schizogirl is asleep on ketamine (anaesthetic, ketamine is a HUMAN ANAESTHETIC NOT A TRANQUILLIZER FOR HORSES, it could whack a horse out cold if you needed to remove its hoof THAT is what ketamine is for THAT is why I never abused it too much. KETAMINE HAS A VALID MEDICAL USE if you abuse that so badly it doesn't work for you... it could be nasty. Nasty situation where ketamine, used to cut people out of cars etc doesnt work ~ you don't want that).

Meanwhile the Voided ECT mother, reason for parents' refusal of psychiatry, because ECT messed this lady, the mother so badly up. Casualty always involves a lot of interpersonal revelation (more than ER) so the failure of communication in their marriage came up. Sudenly Void Woman isn't a Void and is saying "I never told you because you never asked" and the intricacies of medicating somebody's personality are ins and outed.

Meanwhile Dr Ruth has Ketamine Girl on a slab with head holdy-together metal stuff around it ready for surgery. Senior Doc Doc knocks on door. Verbal fight through locked door. Very senior colleague is taken out of heart surgery to come upstairs and persuade Manic Girl to open the door. She is instantly jumped upon by non-nasty but insistent police which in that state would set you off like nothing else ultra ultra hyper fast confusion high.

What did my head in was watching this and seeing 2 nutters and neither is going fast enough to be vroom-vrooms in the head. Ultra fast whirling cyclone whirlwind centrifuge up into a dimension of pure energy that fast that high why am I so Special?

O I don't know I'm trying to put this in a nutshell. I don't usually watch Casualty i watch Holby City which is set in the same hospital but upstairs and easier to follow that one's on Tuesdays

This is dr Ruth apparently post-suicidal. Never in my life seen this: the only relevant clip of her I can find because she... she's a dr in A&E and I'm me and i don't let Casualty in my house it's boring

OK gotta go. Sleep diary 2130 hrs sleeping pill. Didn't sleep till past midnight 30 distraction ate a pie. Woke up several times in the night my head vo-vo-vo bobibbibingbonganging which I mention to make a point: yeah I can play with anything that happens to me, but this IS me. It's me asleep and awake. I need to remember this for later when I start questioning myself.

O yeah woke up it was dark sometime after 6am got up after half an hour i'm deliberately sleeping as long as i can otherwise i would have got up at 2 or 3. i'm most hyper in the morning, as a very general rule. stress makes me more hyped up into a swoosh swoosh yesterday i couldn't understand what they were saying in that car. Talking about me. Who? My name. Which person? Why me? Are we going to a rave? I said none of this i managed to behave but still said a few things considered rude which to be frank i don't even recall i remember just saying as little as i could unless we were conversing bat and ball really quickly i really liked it when Irish guy next to me said bi-bibb-bibbibop cant rememberwhat or why he was playing i thought yeah cool keeping the vibe alive. it's a real stress trying to behave. i AM responsible I keep my clothes on, i don't hurt anyone, i don't kill myself, i try and be considerate yeah its got this extreme. keys phone. not always money. those are together. she told me a way of keeping myself clean bc other person we know fell apart these methods work. i gotta wash my hair, i gotta wash using a footbowl hot water flannel legs in front of tv for hours easier than shower power hour y'know ok gotta go

11:40 I actually watched that clip. All touching and all that. But what the hell is he doing reading her diary? This is a blog, that is a diary, read someone's personal shit and you get what you deserve. Which is why mine was filled with deliberate lies by the end. I knew who was reading it. Give 'em what they need, the bastards!

10:25 me on tv: i love this this is obviously too QUIET but it's buzzzzzzzzzyy buzzy busy as a bee it's me yumm yumm yummee: have a watch and see:~

10:43 sorry i'm a bit shouty this morning. i'm seeing a nut dr wednesday. holding out till then. he's like my mind dealer. i have to tell frankness. can't do mindgames. can't do what does he think need want to see believe disbelieve i can only be me me me that's why mental illness isn't illness. not like the people limping you see at Social Security Doctor offices, people pretending to be crazy (looked like he was pretending to be stupid in my view) etc etc there is no need for exaggeration information i tried to tell him when i say a little i mean a little when i say very i mean very i say what i mean what you think i mean otherwise we're on different wavelengths here it's very confusing. i think he's a good doctor. some psychiatrists are shit. now they take me seriously, i can tell. for once in my life. once drugs are out of the way, once i gave clean screens drugs screens once all that heroin was passed i became myself again and i told them every time i try and live without it i fall apart and they think i'm being a neurotic junkie as i say i say what i mean falling apart is falling apart, not being a little bit upset for a couple of days this is what does my head in about doctors assuming i maximise when i can only cope by minimizing, whacking things AWAY, they're not important they don't matter they're not real if they were i would not could not cope thats too much to cope with i can only do one thing at a time i ask him what the thing is then i do it, then he can't say "butyou're not doing it" then i can work myself and change myself i'm not doing counselling i've tried it for years i am pissed off and fed up with that knee jerk idea i already keep a blog which is a photo collection of where i am where i was i am not picking picking picking at scabs, when you have a wound you leave it alone let it heal i'm not into reliving past nastiness that is unhealthy "least said soonest mended" became my motto. not let it all hang out. what hangs out here and now is my own thought pattern, not my life, not the life i don't want to live that's the bad stuff that's what i got taken away from, that's why i call this my Higher Power because it's more Powerful than Heroin and THAT my friends is Power


Gledwood said...

hi everyone how are you?!

bugerlugs63 said...

final attempt. glad u answered yourself as wont let me open 0 answers. maybe it will but i aint 2 good on these things. when it chooses a line and repeats it down the page it seems relevant. maybe a higher power in there and it dont want my answers. para . told me i had probs re freinds and i aint i just dont have any. . .ha ha also dongle disconnects and wipes me out. so gonna post this idle chit chat where i have said fuk all, now before it shuts me up again. take all the smiley smileys as a good sign. have a smiley sunday x

bugerlugs63 said...

:-< (hamster gob)
shit word verificetion = anagram of my 1st AND 2nd names minus 1 letter. i really beginning to wonder and wander

Gledwood said...

Bugerlugz are you sleeping and do you feel hyper you have exactly the same verbal style as me yeah i see see C (see C) you know what i mean

sorry my attention really is that fractured

i know people will take it personally it's not personal i can't be too interpersonal i get too into anything they confuse me and i set them off. bottom line. then I'm the one who's really gonna blow but I'm keeping it together for their benefit.

ukk. i answered you? if there's anything else put it on a single line a single paragraph, anything else i don't get i can read top and bottom later, but put it on one line and i'll answer you, but put it in comments here and now, not at the v bottom drought thing and not in email i'm too terrified of email it spills crap all over the place that i don't get when i'm "normal" let alone now

all the best ;-)

Gledwood said...

oh fucking hell sorry for the personal question. i did mean "a bit" not "a lot" or "all" just a bit like not all like

i mean who's like me?

who's like you?

that word thing always plays word games, it knows what we type, it's not a headfucker just a game

bugerlugs63 said...

i dont mind questions

i have to engage . no choice

3 kids hard 2 "whack away"

they know i can only do life in bite size bits at minutes

not their "normal" multi tasking
multi converstion holding
mother that they r used to

and they know y

not sleeping enough

maybe 2 x 2 hrs in night

i use my hyper 2 do the things i dint do on the days i was down.

fri; ran round town 5 hours.
job centre. chemist. drug worker

supermarket(scary) etc etc

then park.

pretend 2 be normal and pray no one speaks 2 me

they dont

the stuff in my head i dont mind

back later

have 2 engage with child!




Gledwood said...

saw it knew it your thing same as mine

thinking style that's the word innit

2 kids u what can you do with 2 kids


which is why most childrens' books MYSTERIOUSLY get red while the little darlings are at school

or childrens films


ANNIE good one for 4 year old girls
she loved that one

can't think of any others, o yeah the one about dogs and cats going on a journey and benji that was good

awful films with people tend to be more shite

CASUALTY you didn't see that did you? what a headfucker? 2 nutters, one treating the other, did my brainbox right in. usually i'm constantly tuned into channel 4, itv or something else

ghetto tv, me, need to get a magic box

and an aerial, come to think of it

hope that covers everything

:-) robohammies, wow!!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood