HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Drink/etc Diary Day 1 (Saturday)

I SLEPT! 4(ish)PM TILL 4AM. 12 glorious hours. I dreamt about this boy I went to school with at my 1st 2ndary school. He left midway through the first year because his parents moved to Bedford. Then came back, still living in Bedford. His Dad still worked in London or Hertfordshire (where we were) and drove him in every day. The time before when I slept, with the exception of an hour or 90 mins early Saturday morn was Thursday afternoon into Thursday evening when I dreamt I was in Madonna's house. I found a crappy old radio in the corner, picked it up and said "whose is this?" and Madonna said "that belonged to my mother". Then I realized I had really upset her and Madonna started ignoring me. Madonna's mother died when she was about 6. She says it was the worst thing to happen in her life.

OK I said I would do an alcohol diary. I had 2 cans, 1 litre. 7.5% ie 75mls alcohol, 7.5 units. Being as I partly couldn't and partly didn't want to sleep and was drinking quite a bit of black coffee, I set my mood from -.15 to +1.5 peak then it dropped back to -1.5 because I was exhausted I felt sick, hungry but couldn't eat.


The mood scale works like this. Zero means absolutely normal and not at all depressed. If something funny came on telly I would laugh my head off. If something good happened I would feel really good. -1 is noticeably depressed but able to shrug it off, except it returns within half an hour. I distract myself a lot by using the internet. -2 is the higher end of "moderate" on a doctorly scale meaning feeling pretty rough but still able to act out, sometimes snap out of it except it crashes back, still able to use distraction. I could sleep 10 hours every night. -3 is the worst I usually get, lower end of "moderate" meaning absolutely abysmal mood. Whereas suicide crosses my head in any low, here the impulse or fantasy to do it can get relentless and I just want to curl up and die. Self-esteem goes low, concentration is terrible, I can write but not read much. I can sleep 14-17 hours or longer every day. -4 is very rare for me, I've only ever been down here for hours or days at a time, it means total incapacitation, staring into space, unable to put on any meaningful act. I feel broken and injured, totally worthless, guilty and filthy. I don't feel suicidal, this has always felt like the very end, life is over. You can start tripping out in this state but I've never tripped intensely (thank God). -4.5 would be so bad I wouldn't be blogging at all, not even single lines. I hope I never go that low. In this state they'd seriously think of ECTing you. ECT is the treatment I least want. I know someone who had it and had half a life wiped away. Google ECT, you'll find witness to this fact. Look at what doctors say, they'll never admit it happens apart from "partially impaired short term memory loss". Yeah I know a lot about this subject I used to have a stock of how to (or rather how not to) books with titles like Depression Workbook. Ukh. Lent them all away and sold the rest for heroin money.

O crap, now I have to explain pluses. OK here we go. When we get to the + and - 2s and higher bear in mind not everything happens at every moment, most things happen at some time while it's going on:

+1 hyperthymia means a good mood, a really nice buoyant good mood like swimming floats you cannot push it down in my late 20s I'd get like this, constantly, days at a time, but it always meant depression was on the way or I'd just come out of it (ain't life great); +2 hypomania racing thoughts or thoughts flooding the head, distractable, disinhibited, pacing, euphoric and/or irritable, like being on speed. Urge to say stupid stuff, eg repeating same words/phrases over and over, or doing it in head. I used to get flashes of this over the past few years, I just thought it was the heroin now I'm not too sure. +3 mania very disinhibited, saying inappropriate things though I'm not an impulsive person and try not to, periodically rushing high alternating with crystal clear shining mental state, irritability tipping into rage: especially at psychiatrists and drug services, endless composition of letters, posts, monologues in head or online, cannot sleep more than 4 hours max, bad paranoia, don't want to go outside. I was in this state when I saw the shrink last time (unfortunately, now I can't get out of what I rantingly told him), some hallucinations eg hearing words spoken by the tap when it runs +4 hearing voices, floridly at the peak, visual hallucinations e.g. seeing fur growing out of everything, flashes of light, Northern Lights style visuals, lights outside look amazing, police car lights make me ecstatic, extreme paranoia, people are talking about me, intruders in the house, irrational thinking though I'm a very sane person and can still distinguish or remember what's meant to be normal. Like the effects of an extreme crack/uppers binge when you've lost it and just cannot come down. No sleep at all at the very peak. Head feels like national electricity grid wired through brain. Eyes closed my mind is lit up like a TV set, brightly with constant moving pictures. This is what happened in early December it was only this bad for about 2.5 days. Into this got mixed depression of the worst type and suicidal urges which were extreme and terrifying. I wasn't even thinking English at some points just bing bing bang bong ong ong ong! Still able to write and post despite all this. Can't get head round stuff like texting on phone, signing into email, putting key in lock though. Bear in mind I can type by touch so typing is dead easy +4.5 you'd be totally incoherent, wouldn't know what you were doing, where you were going, why you were there, what was happening, could do anything and not know it. Never been this bad, but was able to see this was where it would end up if it got any worse. I've witnessed this from the outside (in nuthouse) it's not pretty. I'm glad I never got this far.

+3 and +4 have only happened once, in December. In summer 2001 I got into a horrible state coming off gear cold turkey, very hyper very depressed. Kept losing touch with what was thinking, what was going on at times. Everybody feels mentally terrible but it was more extreme. This isn't just my opinion the nutnut nurse at the druggie service thought it sounded "manic". Antidepressants (Prozac) used to put me +2 for a few days to a couple of weeks. Last time it was worse and I didn't sleep for 4 days, though i don't remember feeling that euphoric I wrote some ridiculous stuff in a letter to my Gran, I'm so glad I didn't post it. Then I crashed, still on mirtazapine (Remeron/Zispin), still at 30mg a day it bottomed out at -4. For 3 or 4 weeks until someone realized what was going on and I stopped it. I never even knew an antidepressant could make you worse.

OK so that's the scale and it's rated conservatively, you give the minimum applicable number. Feeling really nice for a few minutes doesn't mean a plus whatever that's just feeling really nice. These moods are constant and marked and the more extreme they get so the ability to act normal or snap out of it diminishes, eventually vanishes.

Ukh I'm fed up of all this. I wish I had never seen that dr. I had to. What am I meant to be doing? Cleaning my house. Going to AA. Yeah. House has turned into mess as life turned to chaos this past week. I'm not always the most focused person. Yet I can focus fairly well in certain ways. And nearly everything I am, think and/or feel I'm also the opposite. So I try not to be self indulgent but what is a blog? Self-indulgence of the most extreme kind! Life is like that it doesn't bother me unduly. I'm bothering me far more than anyone else ever has. My own behaviour. Drink drink drinking (still). I shouldn't be drinking 7.5 units a day that's double the maximum recommended allowance. I should be cleaning up. I should be nicely well organized. I should be physically clean. I should cook food from scratch because I know how to do it. I should get up at the same time every day so my sleep cycle is as regular as it can be. I should look through mail that comes and open stuff addressed to me. I should wash my clothes, not sleep in them and buy or at least obtain new ones (you can get free clothes by diving a clothing recycle bin). You can also collect them off the street, which I do. I should also do a million other things I cannot remember/be bothered going into.

That's it. See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya. Wouldn't wanna be me either. Ha ha har!!!!

Illustrated: top Madonna; bottom Trisch Li or Trishli who appeared in video 1 on Friday manic +3 or more on my lovely scale. In video 2 she's sane and looks amazing. She died 2 years ago. I don't know why. I like her.
You can also find some good links re cocaine or crack psychosis or mood episodes and mixed mood disorders and other nauseating things

PS if you want to see more Trisch Li and Jen on the telephone here's 3 more:

Trisch and Jen on phone 3 Jen's weird night

Trisch Li and Jen on the phone 4

Trischli and Jen on the phone 4 later that night I love the background on this one


Gledwood said...




Gledwood said...


Gledwood said...

HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

lizzydripping said...

hey you i'm here, just trying to think of something helpful to say...................it could take sometime.:)
Lizzy x

Gledwood said...

i'm fine lizzy i'm very angry and annoyed about having to think about psychiatry i do think it's self indulgent yet i have to post yet AGAIN these details then i realize i do feel slightly plus fair enough black coffee's in the picture it never used to do that to me i'm very very annoyed at life

can you answer me this maybe not but it's an issue a real issue

when i feel depressed i'm ok i feel shit i distract myself out of it but i don't go oh i'm depressed all the time

when i know i'm a bit buzzy i'm v aware of it and that irritates the shit out of me bc its spoiling a buzz that could just be natural and normal but having gone crazy like i did i end up 2nd guessing myself as if it means it's happening again

i don't care whether i get a bit hyper that's fine what i mean is i'm worried of totally losing it do other people do that and end up wondering whether there's something wrong with them just bc they feel what really is just NOT FUCKING DEPRESSED i'm really annoyed at myself at life at eveything and i wish every fucking thing about psychiatry could be emptied out bc i don't ever want to think about it ever again yet i have to bc it got to a point where if i hadn't and if that dr hadn't seen me as i was, they'd still believe i was a fantasist, just making a dull person try and look more interesting by inventing a convoluted series of stories i am quite sure there was an aspect of that going on don't worry about offending me i'm offended with nobody just AAARRRKKKKHHHHHHHH

Anonymous said...

hey gledwood,i hope you r ok.i just want to say that like you ,i had a non drug induced hallucinogenic mind altering experience a coupla years ,the culprit was encephalitis,basically a virus got past the usual barriers into my brain,causing an infection and brain swelling.i was a using junkie at the time so the doctors wantd to lock me in the loony bin had my sister not insisted i was behaving out of character..so they took me to hospital,screaming hallucinating,i couldn't recognise my own children!!they eventually did a spinal thing and imaged my brain and found out it was swollen,hence diagnosis.like you i kept going over and over the incident till my loved ones were bored stupid but i needed to understand wot was happening.i eventually was restored to sanity(took a few years) and i am back on gear but at the time i didn't withdraw or need gear.I thought i had miraculously detoxed!but as my mind returned ,so did the need for gear as i was left a nervous wreck.you need to be diagnosed for wotever happened to you so you can help yourself.you sound very intelligent,you can help others,maybe you could pretend to be someone else and see what gledwood would advise?objectivity...is hard,i know.ok now i've bored you silly i shall take my leave x ani

lizzydripping said...

i think that you have got used to being depressed so that feels normal to you how about looking at this thing i am sending you i use it a lot with people i work with then you should be aware what is normal for you and what is not - mind you what the fuck is normal anyhow?


Gledwood said...

The drug addiction has confused any notion of absolute normality and you're right there is none.

On a "mood" scale it's not feeling OK or not that's the issue when it goes plus it's how agitated, speeded up, that type of thing. People compare it to speed and coke as I have done but I remember the high being more intermittent than that obviously my heart isn't pounding my blood pressure hasn't shot up but I have a high going on it's just different and if it's like a drug it's like a different drug to any one I've taken before. With any upper drug you can kind of switch it off to an extent by just not indulging it, this was possible in a small way. I noticed that moving about made me very much more hyper when I was hyper. E did that to me too. You know part of what was making me so irritable and ill-feeling (not depressed though!) MISSING METHADONE BY HALF A DAY!

Interesting that I let myself get into such a state without obsessively thinking "I'm sick I'm sick!" hours before, the way addicts tend to. I'm not neurotic in that way. Strangely. Considering how many other ways might be..! I've got to give up this drinking akh it's so difficult as I'm using it as medication.........

Gledwood said...

the previous comment was for Lizzie I wasn't concentrating properly didn't realize there was 2

Ani: I need to know it's impossible to do any self help without a proper answer.

What makes me think it's not drugs is this.

heroin had gone weak. there was other stuff in heroin that was a downer

i started hearing voices ON this stuff

it got worse OFF the stuff

I drank alcohol about 2 days into the most intense period it did nothing. alcohol is cross-tolerant with most downers so if some "withdrawal" was going on surely it would have squashed it

as i say heroin was so weak the methadone switchover can barely have affected me at all in a detoxing type way I made sure i had enough methadone to hold me PROPERLY i wasn't clucking

so i really don't know what the hell it was, to me the drugs theory is just bullshit, yeah i might have caused it cumulatively with lots and lots of drugs but i don't think it was "a drug" doing it it didn't fit the pattern of any drug i've ever heard of in length intensity or anything else. what drug takes a good 2 days to peak???

know what i mean!

encephalitis=nasty! i'm glad you're ok now

Z said...

Gledwood, this is a place where you can say what you want. If letting it out helps you to think things through, then don't be angry with yourself. It's different, talking it through to other people than just writing it down for yourself, and we receive what you say without judging or trying to tell you what to do, unless anyone can help because they've been there too. Best wishes, my friend

lizzydripping said...

gledwood i think you should be getting some support with all this,and my on line advice does not feel enough,isn't there a sound person in the mh team you trust that you could go through all this with? i think from what you say that all this is more than just the product of substance misuse i think you have an underlying mh issue that you need to get sorted how about some medication a mood stabliser for example -seroquel is worth a try.
(mh = mental health)
p.s did you have a look at the early warning signs stuff in that document? what did you think?


the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

I think it's good to blog and healthy to vent.
You feel very exposed?
We have no idea of who you are or what you look like(I don't anyway)
I think it's easier to relate when there's even a slight image connected.
I have no trouble relating to your hamster avatar.He has kind eyes and an inquisitive look.
all the best...

Gledwood said...

Everyone: yeah i should be able to vent but the more .... away i feel the more broken up i see everything through compound eyes like a fly and then the fact taht other people have other opinions and that my own viewpoint in one split second varies from another would do my head in if i ever travelled far enough down that thought train so i don't i block as much of everything out as i can

without heroin and drink i cannot block things out the way i used to

i had symptoms of mental illness while on heroin but must have been too stoned to care, then again it was low grade but e.g. i couldn't run the bath without the sound of someone saying something outside so i had to keep going out to see if someone was there, that sort of stupid stuff. really it's only looking back i see it as a "serious thing" ya know

there is a dual diagnosis club i an go to on thurs it is a million times better than any na or aa at least for once i feel on the same level as everyone else and there's no annoying undertone of competition "i'm the smartest junkie, my drugs are stronger/bigger/cheaper than yours, i'm better at shoplifting/have more sex punters/etc etc that kind of shit that really bugs the shit out of me esp. when people have misinterpreted a conflated story i told to make a different point

i once moaned about people constantly banging on the door coming in to do crack etc

"they should have blessed you" (ie given me a free piece) said one guy well fuck off do i have to go into every single detail it WASN'T ME THEY WERE KNOCKING FOR IT WAS THE IDIOT DOWNSTAIRS WHO COULDN'T SEE/DIDN'T CARE WHAT SCUM HE WAS LETTING IN MY HOUSE

one used to habitually do people at the cashpoint at round the corner with a screwdriver, run and score and smoke in OUR house. he got deported to jamaica. he also liked me for some reason but he was rough as fuck, i knew a girl he was obsessed with she gave the full lowdown it wasn't pretty all this shit in my home as well as dealing heroin and crack and it turning into a fullblown crackhouse, twice at the same address which is miles from where i live now but i remember being told my house "was where it's all happening" by a certain Mr Cool type person and all i thought was "oh shit"

bugerlugs63 said...

as i read u feeling like a 3 yr old driving . .. it broke my dream. i was told i had won the opportunity to drive a red ferrari round some famous race track. everyone around me was envious but also encouraging. as oi was tolkd this i was standing at an asda type cafe choosing food. and i said i cant drive. they said thats ok u not on a normal road u will soon get used to it. but i didn't want 2. and i looked at a peice of what looked like, 5 day old yorkshire pud, dried up and shrivelled, and said quietly, as i knew it was not the choice to make . . please could i have that instead! well that doesn't tke much interpreting. i could sit haere all day and talk. that could b one of my problems. i dont really talk 2 anyone. i aint lonely as 3 kids but cant talk 2 them about such things. . and reading through all stuff can relate 2 so much of it. there is bit of me wants the drought 2 continue. obviously 4 my kids sakes. although i reduced from an all day smoker 2 last thing at night. so i feel like i gave up enough 4 them. that prob sounds horrendous to some people. do i care? and for other reasons. . u know them all.but i think the benfits( to me personally) of it coming back most definitely outweigh those of a drought. i know i look and eat better and go out more and started decorating etc etc but they dont c inside my head. i dont drink(former alcholic) i get way 2 para on weed. this is my only and preferred option and God knows i need some sort of chill, dealing with three kids on my own. thats just fact not self pity.yes i know ive started enjoying listening 2 and playing music again, and gardening and all the other things that i stop 4 some reason when i on it. and i know these things appear to, and prob do make me 'happy' so why do i still want 2 b its slave? cus i love it! its like being in an abusive relationship and keep going back to it.it is exactly like that. and everyone says leave him hes a bastard.but u know different. he only is sometimes . . anyway my youngest (3) wants me 2 stop this(typing) best not get addicted 2 this else kids will b neglected. so i will wait till they all in bed and instead of texting my dealer (2 mins) away and waiting 3 hours for ten lines of 'orange juice' without the black bits. i will read some more of your blog and maybe write some more. even if it dont get read im sure it helps x

bugerlugs63 said...

just posted comment. ( not very computer literate ) but it worked. posted one earlier that didn't work. not sure y and it wasn't of much interest. but it did say i was attracted 2 your page almost as much by the word hamster as heroin. sorry 2 hear the goblin killed yours. i had 2 males anchovy & reginald and they had 5 babes. gorgeous . i hope u dint get former message else this will b twice as boring as it prob already is. but had 2 tell u about my robos.they really r something else! dare say i will get better at this computer thing now ive found something i can use it 4! something that relates 2 hamsters and heroin! gotta go x



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood