HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, January 24, 2011

NA Serenity

I HAVE JUST COME BACK FROM NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS I will keep coming back. I explained my interpretation of the 12 steps, which are ways of shedding guilt, bad habits and excusese and making you a better person than when you went On Drugs. I said I came to NA for serenity. And I said I had been taking heroin as self-medication, that crack made me a mess, that I was very reluctantly taking methadone (and nothing else) and that taking illegal drugs is putting your happiness in the hands of a cunt on a mountain bike. I hope they get my point.

I don't do group hugs. Done them before, they do my head in. Eeeee was the "hug drug" so "hugs not drugs" means... confusion for me.

Gotta go wash again. Twice a day. With a bowl of hot water. I'm allergic to showers when the stupid showerhead won't stay where it's meant to be so you can't just Walk Under Hot Rain you gotta hold the stupid thing doing a bowl of water instead. Yeah I'm a living breathing 38 year old 3 year old. Got that bad. Least I'm attempting to take care of myself now. Someone has to, that someone has to be me.

Right I'm off, take care everyone ;-)

you have to let this one get going.... THANKS BUGGALUGZ!!

... reminds me of this one...
PINK FLOYD SHINE ON YOU CRAZY DIAMOND... Syd Barrat tribute. Syd Barrett who blew his brains out on LSD... bloody hell this is slow. In drugs terms, spliff-tokers' music ;-)

this one's bigger because the pictures change slide-show style... it's the original album version


Dad and Mom said...

Hang in there Gelds. We're all reading about our successes and are behind you.

bugerlugs63 said...

bledy hell i dont know where 2 start.
just listened 2 few tracks alan hull and crazy diamond - classic innit?
and yeah defo "tokers' sounds man"

i went on mad clean up today, proper manic
took me few hours to accelerate

teenage son started it.
at home on 2 day exclusion from school(yes thats punishment! for who? me?) because he called some bitch of a teacher a"bitch of a teacher"

would not wanna b fifteen again.
he dont like that fact that i have got to a point where i dont care what anyone in this white, miidle class, market town, where for some reason i stalled i few years back.
says or thinks about me.(tory BASTARDS!)

he knows i am right (not 2 care)
and he likes it really

what he dont like is those that judge this book by its cover.

but they r the majority.
so he struggles.

he is torn. bless him. phenominal mood swings.

he likes (as do his mates)that his mum the only one mad enuf 2 let him + 10? mates take over downstairs 4 new year eve
an smoke and drink.

but then wants me 2 have a normal front room like his mates' mums.
he knows this dont add up. but still wants it.

well want dont get HA!

u sound good today
2 washes. steady on

i'll let it thunder, let it whistle,
let it blow like hell, i'm not really caring.
and my state of mind needs no repairing

not sure y u seeing psychiatric dr (or similar) on wed. (have i missed something?)

i know u far 2 intelligent 2 let them persuade u that there r things going on, that aren't or vice-versa

but you r still recovering
u not in any rush
u not gonna b like this forever
not that i think ote wrong
(going by what i read)

but they can only c what u r on weds. not yesterday.

i hope they dont set u back at all.

they cant know any more about u than u.

so much of what i think or write or read on here seems to echo itself into the real world during the day. its weird.

i just heard a noise so gonna lock up. para eeby geebies

i b back

Gledwood said...

Mom and Dad: hi it's always nice to hear from you, I hope all is good from your side I wouldn't change places with you for all the tea in China... all the worry/despair/heartearing re a wayward child probably with good intentions and and a good heart but a terrible nasty problem leading him into trouble. I couldn't watch my kid go on drugs. It would do my head in.

Buggalugz: they used to send kids home I think the idea was they get hell of the parents ~ that was then this was now.

Adolescent hormones play havoc with ya mood.

Then there's the Genetic Thing. They asked me about that one time. My Mum has depression. Still has it now all these years later. Not mental hospital bad but antidepressants bad. She says she knows by the season by the warning signs when it's coming. I reckon I inherited a lot of temperament from her side: her parents were both gamblers, her brother was a huge gambler and drinker, my cousins on that side love their drugs! That's my family!! High on E with my cousin was fantastic as well. My Australian Cousin here in London about 3 years.

It took us about 2 years to understand each other. E.g. if I made a joke she took me at face value. Her friends were cool as shit. Not "I'm cool" people just people who are THE VERY BEST fucking hell ~ never met a bunch like her bunch "a man is known by his friends" the proverb goes, so he/she is

her boyfriend was fantastic he and i were chalk and cheese "he doesn't like me" "trust me if he didn't like you you'd know about it" i get on with cheese quite a lot. i'm chalk.

i make pretty patterns on a pavement, like chalk does


yeah the dr is weds i have to see this one he's senior to the last weds one

he's treating me far as i can tell

they probably will want my next negative drugs screen on weds which will be piss easy. piss and they see it. really simple

no fakery my end

i was only paranoid some person had interfered with my head, my system, put drugs in my food, that stuff, as i was higher than ever been yet without drugs

yet people telling me i'm hypochondriac for worrying about a problem that was real enough for him to listen last time. he looked shocked when he saw me last time

everything has its parallel and its echo out there

is it an exchange of energy

is it coincidence

i never got that one

i know what you mean though

i have to ping off it's 3 past 2am and i'm only up bc i woke up!! i should be behaving and sleeping!!

Ms. Moon said...

I am always wishing you the best. Always.

Syd said...

Good that you went to NA. I hope that it will help. Listen and learn is what I heard when I went to my first meetings. It takes a lot to go and to keep going back. But in the long run, I believe it will be the way to serenity. Thanks for sharing the Crazy Diamond. My favorite.

Gledwood said...

Ms Moon: thanks :-)

Syd: I told you about it yeah? I remember reading about your tiny boat on the roaring high seas last night so I must have told you... that is the proper version of crazy diamond. the others are live and probably only performed to top up the bastards' pension plans!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood