o AM I MEANT TO GO TO BLOODY SLEEP and why is this thing set to caps all the time
wow the computer just threw an eppie and did lines all over the place. i think the computer and my brain are interwired. why did trisch li go and die? i don't obsess about anything FAR TOO much else going on and on in on around and UP UP UP i spent more time looking at the ceiling where i am going than i ever have + pointing at it unconsciously then thinking "do not point at the ceiling you nutter!"
i am a bit calmer. i went to na
i thought the last post was calm then i read back over it ti doesn't seem that way
i am trying not to spin sideways into the bingbontingtong rhymestimes imes thingsings ya know. I only put that to show you what I mean. Before I just wrote as I thought that is what was happening that is all i could say contrary to popular belief i am not into excessive self analysis the dr nurse person man yesterday forced me to give a life history kept saying "we have 45 mins to give your entire life" as a way of making me focus going fast was not the problem i went ultra ultra fast faster and faster every time i am stressed i go even faster until its a food mixer the sound of a blender going faster and faster and setting UP UP UP spinning faster and faster and louder and louder that is what i do. not just what my head does what i myself do. THAT is my HIGHER POWER.
that is why i am eternally grateful for being mad because being crazy is FAR better than being on drugs. it is FREE for a start free free free 4 me me me he heee!! EXCELLENT STUFF!!
being mad took me away from heroin, heroin had addicted me like nothing else i have ever seen in anybody else except one person my friend lucky she is the only person i ever met or knew who i culd look at and think "that one's got it worse than me". or even as bad as me. she had a 35 yr + habit, was old enough to be my mum, dealing (or sorting out deals) let her home be used as a crack smoking venue (more than a crack house, as such, there was none of the outofcontrolness of a crackhouse as i know a crackhouse (bear in mind if you don't know, these often belong to "vulnerable" people housed by the local council who let in a nasty dealer who pays them in crack and/or smack usually both. feeds their habit. fucks them around they lose the key to the door. the dealer may even leave them sick when there's a house full of peple using using using in every room you cannot get rid of them they live there on and on it gets totally uncontrollable THAT is what often IS a crackhouse ther are other patterns but i won't waste an entire post telling every in and out of every bloody thing i'll never stop.))
wow i remembered 2 brackets not one. and i remember to close them. that means i'm coming down
only i don't WANT TO COME DOWN THAT MEANS BEING DESPERATE MORE DESPERATE THAN EVER I WAS FOR DRUGS ABSOLUTELY ABYSMALLY DEPRESSED AND TOTALLY UNHAPPY AND NOT COPING
(and no professional ever giving any help though i was desperate for somebody to just do a few basic things in my favour. not give me a life. not wave a magic wand. just vouch for me on forms. say this person needs this to person x who arranges y. THAT type of thing)
you see the trouble i have i was very close to taking a shower with clothes on this morning because shower, turning on water door clothes me closed in door shower in doors all at once wet as you can get and my head going oingoingoginoginogingoingoingoingoinngoi
like that THAT is why i could would have got in a shower with clothes on i fucking despair of myself
no i didn't do that i give you an illustration
so if you hear me say i need to do this and i cannot do it
that is what i mean, i give an extreme, an extreme day but it goes on has gone on for every day for months on end years on end nothing getting done that needed doing. not properly.
do you see? what i'm trying to say is that i knew i had a problem and i tried to fix it in an adult way and somehow the fixing never came to gether and i feel bitter at professionals who i did tell about this repeatedly as somebody who feels worthless as dirt can insist on anything
even though i could smile
i can smile when i am depressed
it is called smiling depression
it is Japanese
i am japanese in culture ie: i smile when upset; when i nod my head i mean i hear you not i agree those are the 2 features i recall
this guy yesterday asked me to go through my life in some detail saying when depression, voices, too fast too high and too paranoid all started and all separately it was the voices i remember when when a thought first echoed. prozac 1995. age 23. a mild thought echo as he called it. like i think, another voice echoes it back or the last syllable. in my head. and blah blah blah ting tong
the worst thing i remember because of him is me being in a state where i was hearing voices but they were not like bad not bad i heard them i felt very negative though but not because of the voices i was very very down i went to the railway station a few times one time the driver saw me and waved arms at me don't do it in that split second he saw something in me what? I cannot could not still cant work it out. to be doing that i must have been absolutely fucking desperate. yet he says i was using heroin as a mood muffler.
WHAT ON EARTH WOULD I HAVE FELT IF NOT ON THE HEROIN?
this bothers me now because i'm not on heroin, terrified to death of being depressed when it gets that bad and went on and on for months into years
i cannot think of a single period over 18 years when i haven't had this in some way, no clear time lasting more than a month or so
so i think this is my entire life
it isn't a question of give up heroin all will be fine
i always knew this
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WOULD BE THIS EXTREME
get me now?
this is what i was scared of. i CAN FACE MY FEARS HEAD ON fear is not a big issue for me
OTHERWISE I'D BE BACK ON GEAR WOULDN'T I?
what i feel is hacked off, confused and terrified of coming down off this this i'd rather stay crazy than be like that
i know i sound desperate
at least i am surviving.
i am a survivor
never wanted to be, but knew it all along
23:52 I have well am just about to take zopiclone 7.5mg number one. there's a cup of black coffee there why did i make it. wasn't intending on sleeping. i spose i have to be grown up and try and sleepi dont want to sleep i bet this is going to back fire horribly i will end up like i was on sunday not able to face my own house through misery akkikh just swallow the stupid thing swallow it swallow DO IT
throw away the coffee. what am i saying i never throw anything away it's going in the fridge
23:57 coffee in fridge; zopiclone down throat hurrah!
It was Christmas eve in a war zone - I just about managed to rise this morning but shining is still a long way off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had my usual stress dream last night....
2 hours ago