HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Psych Clinic

I GOT VERY HYPER THIS AFTERNOON. SO HYPER I WAS LAUGHING MY HEAD OFF. I could not follow what anybody was saying, unless it was a formulaic receptionist (or psychiatric interviewer) type person.
Anything with twisting, turning or unexpected content had me rapidly lost. I got taken to the clinic by my druggie worker for being so out of it I couldn't follow him. Within half an hour I was repea pea pea pea pea pea pea pea pea pea peating words urds urds that didn't belongongongongongongongongongongongongong together and causing havoc in the waiting room where I couldn't help noticing three other people at the opposite pole. I did try and be considerate. I went exploring through double doors and ended up in a private room making abstract musical noises because that's what I was thinking.

I've not gone to NA. NA will have to wait. Sitting in a room full of poeple who believe I'm on drugs when I PROVED IT THIS AFTERNOON WITH A URINE SCREEN. Nothing but methadone. And benzos I don't remember taking.

I did keep wondering whether E and LSD were in my system, because this card didn't test for them. And acid, with it's quarter of a milligram blow-your-head-off speciality always used to be hard to test for.

The best thing to happen, bar causing havoc and breaking into an empty office and pretending to fly on a swivel chair was staring into a blank wall and watching the most amazing movie unfold in silvery-blue and psychedelic rainbow colours. The view behind my eyes was amazing. The lights in the psychiatric car park are particularly good. I think somebody deliberately added purple, green and yellow tinges to various ones just for manic people. Yes I was talking extremelyfast and according to my interviewer constantly derailing topic. I thought I was speaking quite reasonably. I also thought I was totally rational and normal until I got so euphoric I just could not stop cackling my head off.

The doctor seemed to think viewing "hallucinatory" voices as free entertainment was healthy not pervy. As I demanded to know. I expressed a lot of things LOUDLY AND VEHEMENTLY!!!!

But I'm home now. I mentioned not wanting to be sectioned only about 228,375,496 million times.

Akh I've got to go beddybyes now. I noticed myself coming down during the interview as when I first indulged in some ingingingiinginginginging I could not stop stop op op op op op for quite a few seconds sponge. among ung ung ung ung ung ung!! Then I could do it but not stop it (with the dr.) now I can't even utter syllables that first. I didn't stop moving nearly the entrie time I was there and noticed they gave up on getting me to sit during the interview. I was too hyper.

It was thinking in musical noises and clangangangangangs that bothered me, even as I came out of that most intense phase. I know I visibly frightened one horribly self-indulgent shouting and crying girl in the waiting room and frankly consider her so selfish and self-centred (I heard her endless display of phone-calling) and frankly I don't care. Better be frightening than abused. Especially in a psych clinic. That's what I think.

If I had gone in I'd have made sure to get wrestled to the floor and needle-stabbed. Don't think that would have been too hard, the state I wsa in. I was more hyperkinetic (not necessarily more high) than any maniac I've seen admitted. But I only remember two. And one was clearly exhausted.

By the way the theme of METHADONE NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HELP MY MENTAL HEALTH BY SHOVING MOOD SWINGS OF BOTH POLES INTO THE OPEN repeatedly rose its head.

I don't think I was being questioned re schizophrenia. I can't remember what I'm to do as far too fractured attention span. They didn't think it at all unusual that I can write but not read online. Yeah I can read snatches, but ask me the gist of an entire post and I'm lost or speaking about something else entirely before I ever reach your end point.

Today it was my cling-clang over musicality that got me I felt like such a nutter while I was doing some of it. Felt nothing but the vibe at other times. Realized staff had just floated past me without my noticing (rather disconcertingly) at others... My head's still a bit all over the place.

Well I hope I get FAR MORE EUPHORIC and a little less hyper.

No sleep since I don't know when. Not since yesterday late morning if I remember right. If you're obsessive enough and wish to know: you check.

Interestingly despite my hyperactivity and hilarious mood i was markedly less paranoid then yesterday. And the voices were less intense. And far less intense than early December when as I said I couldn't tell the difference between thinking and hearing. I remember that. And being rather confused by it. I have been and still am confused by a lot of things.

I'm not raising the spectre of severe mental illness in an Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Really am not up for being misunderstood (by people who assume you can only get high on drugs) and/or judged by rooms full of people, no matter how well meaning.

Hope y'all are OK. :-)

I really should try and get some sleep. It's supposed to make you less manic. And probably more depressed. I expect. So I'm scared of sleeping, but need to do it.

10 comments:

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

I'm wondering why they didn't give you something to relax.
I remember during my in-patient, the doc said "You may see things or hear things that aren't there."
I was having delusions left & right.
Off Xanax, I didn't sleep for 3 weeks.
I sat on the carpet looking at nothing,out the window, wishing I'd be outta there soon.But really, really sad..nobody ever walked by on the side walk. I felt trapped inside The Twilight Zone.
I felt abandoned by my former life as I was really in a zombified state and unable to help myself.
It takes time..like a hangover. Time heals all wounds.
recovery..takes time,
feel better asap. ok?
j.

Anonymous said...

It's obvious that you're keen to who you are, don't let labels deter you you.
You've made tremendous progress.
Take it easy. You'll be fine.

bugerlugs63 said...

hope this dont sound wrong, but reckon it would be a whole load easier 4 u if u were a bit less intelligent. all this self analysis when your battered, deprived ( sleep,food,brain rest,comfort etc) self aint in no state to be analized cus its not itself at the min.its just undergone a major amputation. if its physical we dont expect so much of ourselves cus we can c how bad it is. giving us something 2 measure it by. with a 12" wound still gaping between the stitches u know its gonna take time so u slow down,convalesce, let it heal. just looked up and caught the last line of message above saying "time heals all wounds" how bizarre, or maybe not? pre gear my doctors notes were huge pile of mental health reports, referals etc. re; anxiety. depression, panic, paranoia and phobias ( all of which they or i had tried to cure, deal with or live with). during ten year heroin use not one visit 2 dr. more stable than ever been in my life. it shocked me.comfortably numb. ok so it also numbs, well lessens the intensity, of some other stuff which might be better felt full on but i reckon for me its worth it. pros & cons & all that milarky.bledy hell i do go on. i dont suppose "leave your comment" means . . . hold on i think i read earlier that u(as in him, gledwood, not u cus u wont be reading it) can only write on this and not read so i need not worry about waffling on.i dont even know what comment i was intending to leave only once when i got really ill; pleurisy and pneumonia in last month of pregnancy. and thats as near as i ever got to thinking i lost the plot.lots of clangings and oingings echoed round my head and i felt totally detatched. people were talking normal to me and i thought "cant they c?" get the running water thing- lots to be heard in there. apparently it was a mental manifestation of my physical illness plus de-hydration. lack of sleep, food, gear, i dont know. i know i sat on the floor too long and my cocyx is gonna kill when i take the pressure off it. night night x

Syd said...

So was it the LSD? It sure sounds like a rough time. Hope that you are able to get some rest. I am wondering how much more of this you can really take.

Baino said...

Sounds typically like a manic episode, probably exacerbated by the drugs. Not pleasant. What is it with this month there are people breaking down all over the shop!

BMelonsLemonade said...

This post is a wonderful look into the spinning in your head. It really mimics the feeling. I think it is really great.

Anonymous said...

i really think you have some sort of depression with manic symptoms. I had the same sort of thing a couple of yrs ago. My advice is to obvs listen to the psychs but don't worry too much about finding a label for how you're feeling. I know you go into it thinking you just wanna know what it is, thats human nature. but they will try to stick you with everything, and it will fuck you sideways. they had me doped up for 2 fucking years on shit that no way should have been in my body. then they sent me to psychology and started insuating that someone had abused me when i was younger. now that would be bad to the sanest person but to someone who has already tried suicide, its disgusting. Just focus on the symptoms. Try and get regular sleep even if it makes you depressed, they're your TRUE symptoms and YOU need to understand what they are without altering mood with sleep deprivation. If YOU don't know what your true ymptoms are, THEY will plant a load of hit in your head that not there to try and pigeon hole you. although they can help, don't get me wrong. Its when they can't label you with something they lose their shit trying to.
I've always had depression but i went through a few years with manic too, but now I just get epression again, none of the other weir shit.

Anonymous said...

and just to add "bugerlugs63" is soo right. In situations like you're in intelligence is enemy number 2 haha even though you may not be analytical of yourself, i think your brain sees it as a problem and your natural intelligence will try and solve it. I was exactly the same. I just wanted to know sooo bad what was wrong with me. especially when the rapists started spouting out their shite. the shitty thing is you have to fight yourself to get better. most people don't understand what people with mental health probs go through. Its the hardest thing ever, EVER. and for those that think they know, everyone copes and experiences it differently.

bugerlugs63 said...

i give myself 2 mins else i wont shut up. i think and hope u may have had a sound and not depression inducing sleep. when i felt i unable to do laundry, cleaning etc. but knew deep down i had 2 (3 kids relying on me) i tried 2 imagine i was doing it 4 someone even more fuct up than me(well spose in a way i was. not that my kids r fuct up(surprisingly) but they r less able 2 do these things)and only looked at one thing at a time. whole picture was way scarey. just one wash.or just cook one meal.wsometimes i pretended i was an alien( which took no imagination at all)and i had 2 try and do a shop or a laundry trip or whatever, without anyone noticing anyway i not advising as everyone does cope differently. surely carrot nose does not want 2 b alone though. my 2 mins r way gone. so am i x

Gledwood said...

Ok lemme keep this simple and sweet

NO DRUGS

no lsd haven't been NEAR THAT SHIT FOR YEARS ABOLSUTE WORST POSIBLE NO FUCKING WAY TIE ME TO A TABLE I IWLL KILL YOU BEFORE I TAKE ACID FUCKING HELL HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT PLEASE DON'T PLAY MIND GAMES I DO NOT WANT ACID. SORRY. SET ME OFF A BIT

very very very hi

they gave me sleepers

i cannot get them bc i cannot tooooo
cannot calm up up calm up not down
like i don't know i don't need a lable
they r talking about

anti psych ot ics
lithium
etc etc etc

you only go in hospital if you absolutely in every conceivable way cannot cope or sectioned is commiettted
people ask to go in
i don't want to go in
wanna be outside
wanna be ok
don't wanna be miserable
can't cope op
can't

i am fucking trying
do you want me crying
i am trying

sorry thats all i can say

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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