The best advice I got came today from Jess the Mistress of Mischief and chimes in exactly with my doctor: CUT OUT ALL DRINK AND DRUGS FOR THREE MONTHS. Only after three months clean can they possibly tell what is you and what was and was not drink or drug-induced. Focus on the practicalities of life and the fact you're a problem drinker with a drug problem. In other words go to NA, go to AA. Frequently.Hey it's past 3pm and I'm wide awake. No sleep last night. My sleep pattern is in tatters and I used the wonders of caffeine to get me through the morning. It did make me very fidgety in the chemists and I'm convinced they thought I was on drugs. Well I was. Black coffee!!! I don't normally drink coffee and barely drink tea. I buy milk that goes off before it ever gets finished, unless I glug it down. I need to switch to tea anyway ~ as a substitute for alcohol. Soft drinks remind me of strong drink too much as I used the fruit flavoured ones as mixers (yes on white cyder ~ makes a budget alcopop, highly addictive!)
I spoke to my Mum today and she said something I thought very perceptive as it highlights the biggest problem I have. Forget any drug or medical terminology it's THIS more than anything that has turned my life into the ruin it is today. And the drugs made it far, far worse. It impossible to explain why I do this and I know junkies get this a lot. My Mum remembers it going back to when I was about four and calls it "autistic". I'm not sure that's the word but what do I care. To be frank I'm amazed she was perceptive enough to notice it's going on, considering she doesn't live with me and it's this:~
I live my life on a constant loop. I have things I do every day and these things I do without too much trouble. The loop is like a railway line with only a few stations. The train goes round and round and only stops at those stations, so I only do the stuff that's in this loop. Anything out of the ordinary involving planning or going anywhere unfamiliar or meeting someone new brings on the worst stress, in fact for a long time I basically avoided ANYTHING out of my limited routine. This includes good stuff as well as bad. When I got sent a parcel I only just made it to the post office in time to pick it up before it got returned to sender. I wouldn't blame my family for being offended at this seeming Don't Care attitude. But it wasn't not caring, it was... something I cannot explain. You can call it laziness if you like. Bear in mind though that nobody who knows me in real life has ever called me lazy. I've been called a lot of things, lazy ain't among them.So this nameless thing, my dear readers, "autism" or whatever it is, is what I have to work on. The whys and wherefores are immaterial: I need to make it to go away. I didn't used to be that bad. But my Mum thinks it's a lifelong characteristic. This does not however mean that there's no hope.
I spent my entire adult life consciously working on changing myself ~ until drug addiction changed me beyond the point of self-help. I don't despair that this is insurmountable.
With the right degree of motivation and patience, anything is possible. Remember, I specialize in things that require unusual amounts of these qualities. You need them to write a book. And I have written books, even though they were crap. You need them to learn a foreign language. And I've learned a few (badly). All you need do is keep on and on and on in the correct direction no matter how discouraged you may feel, no matter how irrelevant to that particular day the activity may be, you still do it and you go on doing it every single day without fail. And then, in maybe not too long, you'll look back and realized you've done something you never dreamed possible.Now those links. I don't really want to post these I'm so sick of words like "cocaine". But maybe someone somewhere will get some enlightenment from 'em:~
This explains what a mixed state is and isn't. If it can be established that a drug (or drug withdrawal) caused my cuckoo episode then it's called a "substance-induced mood disorder with mixed features"
Substance disorders.Substance-induced mood disorders.
How much cocaine required to cause psychosis?
Cocaine hallucinosis/psychosis.
Mixed bipolar state: http://www.gulfbend.org/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=11195&cn=4
Hypomania: a natural state to be in. Euphoric hypomania, which just means mild mania, is NOT an illness, it's merely a medical condition, like having three nipples. On its own it means nothing except that you're blessed with energy, charisma and creativity. But it does unfortunately tend to develop into full mania which is very different. Or to snap into depression, as this link explains: http://www.gulfbend.org/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=11194&cn=4
Mixed episode, Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixed_episodes
Illustrated: beer; trainset, just like my life, running in circles; Chinese character for money; cocaine as I barely ever took it ~ in "rails" (I love that Americanism)
18 comments:
Give the diary a go. It is a very good move. The act of externalising problems can be a very good aide to overcoming them. It's not the answer in itself but it seems to help
The druggieclinic had asked me to keep a drug diary a few times but that wasn't an option: it would only have been full of lies saying I used twice a week, because they couldn't seem to accept I couldn't give up heroin and that meant using it every single day or feeling too vile for words, even with methadone. Now I'm over that hill, I won't babble too much about it except to say I feel very different on methadone than heroin I'm not sure whether the difference is good or bad. I feel less "together" and am more prone to mood swings. Which is totally contrary to the crap spouted by so-called experts. I'm not counting the initial 2-4 hour heroin high as a "mood swing" I mean moods lasting all day or several days that seemingly come from nowhere (hence the need for a diary to see what might be the trigger).
I am willing to keep a drink diary. It can have a drug section but that will be empty, I cannot be doing drugs any more.
I want to know whether my mood is running in any pattern and what might be setting that pattern off. I've come up with a rating scale that I kept as simple as possibe as I'm crap at rating how I feel and hate doing it. But I worked out a 4-point scale I can stick to with zero representing "euthymia" ie a normal mood and pluses and minuses representing ups and downs.
Gled, I want to comment on autism...my mother actually is a specialist who works with autistic people. Mostly children. She evaluates them, and decides how the autism effects them, and what is the best way to manage it. There are many different levels of autism. Some of these people will never even learn language. One characteristic of autism is social anxiety, and many autistic children and adults do not make eye contact with others. They also have ingrained patterns that are very difficult to change. Only a high functioning autistic person could write a book. Another interesting note about autism...some believe it is hereditary. Not nessecarily that your mother was autistic, but other factors seem to be prevalent. My mother told me that most of the autistic children she works with have one or both parents who are bipolar, or OCD, or they are often very eccentric and odd. There is a school of thought out there that believes a combination of several of these mental disorders can manifest as autism in the children of the afflicted. Interesting point when it is your mom that used this term on you. I, however, am not sure that autism is the correct word either...
I don't think I'm autistic because I'm prone to paranoia and from what I've picked up over the years in newspaper features and TV programmes people prone to paranoia are actually more perceptive than average to other people's moods, facial expressions etc etc. In paranoia of course they tend to go over the top. But even someone with full-blown paranoid schizophrenia delusions e.g. believing a microchip is broadcasting their thoughts into other people's heads has a very good "theory of mind" ie they're fully aware that other people exist as they exist with thoughts and feelings of their own.
What I've heard of autism is the diametrical opposite. Ie that if you take an autistic child and put them in a room with a pencil case on a table full of candy rather than pencils and then ask them "what would person X think is in the pencil case?" they will answer "candy" rather than realizing that another person thinks differently from them and answering the obvious "pencils". It's for this reason I don't think I'm at all autistic. Yeah I'm a loner in some ways. I do not feel any need for human company and don't really get lonely the way some other people do. But these characteristics were called schizoid or schizotypal.
I was actually TOLD to look up personality disorders to see which if any I thought I might have. This was the psych service's latest theory before I went floridly mad and threw that to the four winds.
I did read through that stuff, but rapidly realized that with many you just would not see yourself as different if you had these characteristics. I was pretty insulted to realize the nurse, who spent 4 hours interviewing me over 3 occasions went on about "anxiety" which I don't get unless I have something to be anxious about. I used to have free-floating anxiety all the time and know the feeling v well, so it's v patronizing to imply I don't know my own mind. And more patronizing to realize that the anxiety axis personality disorders are anxious-avoidant and dependent which are really the opposite of what I'm like. Deep down I don't give a shit what anyone thinks. Yeah I try to be considerate but I'm not motivated by others' opinions of me, never have been.
In the last drs' appt. I was quite hyper so babbled endlessly giving absolute truth and frankness. I was so desperate and at a point when I could not handle any mind game playing, conceiled motives, or even somebody's joke, I really was in a bad way. people don't seem to get this, just bc i posted stuff every day. They didn't SEE me like he did and his FIRST reaction was "is this you?" he'd only seen me once before but is a good dr and remembered me. He also no doubt remembered my convoluted contradictory notes which are so difficult to retell as x happened on one occasion y on another z might have been the norm. The first time something happened might have been years before the 2nd time so it's easy to answer a question giving 2 dates sounding like a liar when the truth is just really complicated and I don't really like analysing myself the way people seem to assume I do. I have an analytical thinking style so when I'm asked a question I try and answer fully. That doesn't mean I spend all day pondering my childhood just because I mention I was unhappy then. I am so used to telling my story it feels like somebody else's now.
Urr... where was this going? Into a rant I think. I hope it's pertinent! Thanks for all your comments they are v insightful and helpful.
Hi Gleds, I found your comments about autism very interesting and I made me think of something. Try googling Asperger disorder. It's part of what is called the autism spectrum and is very common, ie. one in four, boys especially. But that doesn't discount girls, they can hide it better. My father, a brother and two grandsons are Asperger. It's not a mental illness but an anomaly of the neurotransmitters in the brain.
Anyway have a look at it and see what you think.
Cheers xx
Keeping a diary is always a good thing if you want to go for treatment. And getting clean for 3 months sounds great but that's the hard bit for you isn't it? It's too bad they don't have placements - a change of scenery where you have no contacts except the local AA or NA group - trade homes with some other addict for the 3 months like they do with foreign exchange students.
PussInBoots: I've heard of Aspergers and met someone who had it. He was a very distinctive person who spoke like a 1950s British radio announcer. Very posh. I'll go and look it up. All I know is it's meant to be autistic spectrum.
Jeannie: I would love to leave the country if only I could. It's unfair that in America you have states and people can move state, but in Europe this isn't as easy unless you're working or retired, they don't really want you sullying up their country.
I'm still meant to be looking for this Therapeutic Community thing where people with different problems live in a rehab but it's not all druggies. I find addicts a bit overpowering because the addiction takes people who once were unique and bends them all the same same same way and I get fed up of stories about ounces of heroin etc.
I wouldn't mind getting out of London for a bit, but there's nowhere in the UK I can think of that I'd really want to go permanently. I'd far rather be in a foreign country. But I have to be totally off drugs. Drug tourism is so not my style.
I don't know how I'm going to do 3 months off drugs without cracking up, because I can feel the difference already and it feels like I'm falling apart. I'm not saying I feel terrible, but I feel weird and I always felt that heroin, for all its bad rep, kept me sane
just a note from someone who has been there and got the t-shirt... the moment you lie to yourself on a drink diary is the day stop lying to yourself.
If you are honest throughout and it helps I take my hat off to you but I spent wasted years on that nonsense
No I wouldn't lie on a drink diary but I would have lied floridly on a drugs one because they were putting undue pressure on me to cope on something ie methadone I could not cope at all on. Looking back at how bad I felt I would never prescribe that to somebody if I knew it was doing that to them. It just did not work for me psychologically and even physically I found £15 worth of heroin that's about $25 worth to be equivalent to more than 100mg methadone which totally contradicts the bullshit equivalence tables they use. Their idea of equivalence is the minimum possible dose someone will appear to be OK to an unsympathetic observer. You can also cut somebody down on heroin to a quarter of their normal dose in one day, they'd feel much less bad than switching to methadone, that's how bad methadone is, it stinks I can't wait to get off it. Sorry to rant on whenever I think about that crappy gloop I'm angry at ever having taken it. True it's a way out of heroin but it's like using a teaspoon to dig your back garden when you could be intelligent about it and use a shovel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Klov0Yqqc3o
another great tune for you man!
OK I can listen in 10 mins. I'm banned from youtube till midnight for outdoing my allowance
Hi Gled,
I like the idea of you using a journal, you may find it very helpful. But it means you will have to write in it nearly everyday. Being a writer I think you can do that.
I just want to say Gleds, that the videos you put up of Trisch are interesting....sadly, she passed away 2 years ago...a facsinating person and a wonderful soul...Just felt I had to say that..
I really want to chat with you about something that's been on my mind as of lately, I really hope we can catch up with each other...I think I remember your email so I'll email you..
I'm still awake and its Sat. morning at 10am. I used gear yesterday, I think the shite has either barbs or something worse in it, as I was so ill in bed for 3 days, no energy, flu-like symptoms (not opiate wd's!!), body stiffness, etc etc etc. I've given up H as of yesterday afternoon...let's hope I can make it last longer then 1 week.
Hopefully speak to ya soon...and thank you...just...thank you.
Janice: the diary is going to be online here and it will be in abbreviations on a 4 point scale from -4 (very severe depression) to -3 the worst depression I usually get, the lower end of moderate on a hospital anxiety and depression scale and so on to 0 which is a total OK nondepressed mood, +1 is a good mood all day (0.5 means good mood some of the time, normal the rest of the time) +2 hypomania: racing thoughs, euphoria, hyper, low sleep etc +4 psychotic like I went last time a +4.5 would be so bad I'm just burbling cannot speak English at all and don't know who I am or what I'm doing I literally got bad enough to be able to envisage this happening. This is the worst I can imagine getting... I'll explain the rest of the abbreviations in the post of course I'll get accused of being self-obsessed by at least one point-misser but that's inevitable
E London Girl: She's one person I've seen online I really would have liked to have met. I noticed she died from Googling the facebook and myspace pages but couldn't get confirmation it was what I thought it was: suicide?
Email me hammynutter@lycos.com, you have got my email yeah? I'm v bad at answering it promptly or in an organized fashion so if you have anything you can say in public comments are much easier; if I seem to be ignoring your email send a comment to my most recent post telling me the email's there and I'll go straight to it. Even my own family despair of my emailing skills being zero. I got so used to using blog comments for everything I never email unless it really is confidential.
I hope you start feeling better soon that sounds like the real flu. Whatever you do make sure you're provided with methadone or gear to get through it the last thing you want is to have to go out in that state.
Yeah the gear's still shit the last lot I got about 3 days ago was really fucking crap. No barbs. At least barbs would have smacked me out even if it's not actual smack this was just dire
Let us know when you actually take the doctor's advice
(oh hey, your doctor advises you to go to meetings ... what does the book of AA's doctor's say?
There's a chapter "The doctor's opinion" in there written by a doctor who is an expert in the field of addiction) You might check that one out too, you know along with the "more about alcoholism" chapter I suggested yesterday)
I'd rather see you writing about your experience when you WENT to the meetings rather than about your next great idea you think you should do instead of actually taking the advice that a qualified medical professional (and someone who is sober and happy) gave you.
And leave it to you to focus on the chocolate chip pizza (in the poem I posted) instead of the moral of the story.
LOL :)
The truth is still the same, and writing a diary isn't going to change it, in fact I'll bet that you can't keep up the diary for more than 3-4 days at best. But keep trying all those things you think are GREAT ideas, you'll either get to completely hopeless and remember when you get there what to do... ..... or you'll die trying to figure it out.
How sad is it when we are taking the last ditch efforts to prove to ourselves something that we are absolutely sure of BUT JUST CAN'T seem to say aloud with finality.
Somehow we just want to hold out that one last hope that we are NOT alcoholic, that's why the diary, not to prove to yourself that you are, you already know it... the problem is, that if you are .. you know the answer (complete abstinence) and that... given your state of mind and emotion, is absolutely impossible to comprehend or accept, which is why AA is so perfect, because the whole premise of AA is
"Setting aside the drink problem we tell what made such slow going of life"
"The main problem with the alcoholic centers in his mind"
oh and the best one of all....
if I'm willing to commit to the fellowship and program of AA, if I'm willing to take their suggestions and the direction of the book, I'm promised that I won't have to swear off liquor, that it will be removed as a problem, that I will not want it and that I will not be cocky or afraid, that I'll just be neutral and that my life will be full again, that I'll experience joy and that I will have a way of living that allows me to sanely and simply deal with any problem that comes along.
And at the time I got here mine were overwhelming...
checks bouncing all over
credit cards all maxed out
40,000+ in loans
eviction notices
job going down the crapper
marriage falling apart
couldn't make a living
couldn't take care of my dogs
couldn't take care of myself
no real friends
no real family (well I had family but you know...)
it was all so overwhelming if I started to think about that stuff, but..
They had been there and found a way out, a simple and direct way out.
I'm grateful to God and AA for everything I have today. Life is amazing!
(few posts back I commented to you on the experience I had, get down on your knees beg God for help and go to a meeting at the next earliest opportunity to tell them you were carried through that moment and now you need to know what to do next)
Jess I am trying to listen to you and I'm not angry that you say it's alcohol and other people say it's underlying stuff and I don't know I'm just confused and you have to bear in mind I'm a fluent writer but like lots of people who talk far more willingly than they listen, I write more readily than I read! I do try to concentrate but my concentration is in tatters. I haven't slept since Thursday evening, except for an hour between about 7 and 8 am this morning. Then I got up and decided black coffee and loud music were far more exciting than boring old sleep.
I really do apreciate your comments I often have to read stuff 3 or 4 times to get what people really are saying. E.g. that chocolate pizza story I just could not understand what you meant. Not because you're a bad writer this is so obviously not the case but because I was all over the place.
I now just feel sick and ill like I'm desperately hungry but I cannot eat, I don't want to sleep as it's too early I'm not letting myself go to bed till 9pm earliest as I don't know how long I'll sleep for it could be 16 hours or more, it could be 4 or 5 I honestly don't know. This is what happens to me without heroin. Even with that methadone that basically doesn't shield against the fractured confusion of myself as heroin did.
I'm down to 2 cans 1 litre a day that is 75mls neat alcohol bc it's 7.5% so that's not bad. Soon I'm going to have to switch brand to something weaker.
I did try doing pills instead but don't believe my drink habit is bad enough to warrant that. And I just went through the Valium like a dose of salts. I don't want to come straight off because my system doesn't need any unnecessary shocks. On heroin detox I get very extreme psychological symptoms if you include insomnia as psychological. I'm talking enough meds to keep me OK bt a huge drop in opiate level nonetheless keeping me up for days on end.
O I'm babbling on and probably missing your point.
I think I get your gist go to AA (or NA I know you didn't say NA but I do relate more to junkies than alkies despite my drinking, in an AA meeting I meet loads of people whose drinking was much worse. At NA I'm the same as everyone else. If not worse.
There is an alcohol agency locally run by the govt that I can get a drink worker through if I cannot stop drinking within 2 weeks longest I'm going there. I want to be off within 7 days. I'm drinking because I feel ragged. I was high earlier fair enough I deliberately induced it by not going to bed, but when I did I couldn't sleep, so I don't bloody know. If my situation gets any worse I'm going to end up in hospital I'm serious bc I'm reaching the end of my tether. I'm really fed up I hate myself I was suicidal 2 days ago I'm really tired of life I don't know how the hell I'm ever going to cope with it. I don't want psychiatric meds but if I do start losing it they probably will give them to me. I'm very confused. On the one hand I absolutely have to take care of myself and this includes seeing the psychiatrist he is after all the expert. And I am following his advice albeit in increments. On the other I'm totally sick and nauseated by thinking about how I fucking feel I'm really really fucking bored by my boring shitty self.
Sorry to go on as per usual I'll have to leave it here. I don't feel well.
Drink & mood diary sounds smart. Do you mark the drinks in before or after you drink them?
no it has to be after and i have to use a sharp memory
the number is so low it's easy 2 cans most days 4 cans sunday really easy to remember
if i ever think i'm having problems i'll have to tally it on the inside of a kitchen cupboard or line up the empty cans, something like that
the mood diary i found out how to do online and mine was wrong it should list sleep, appetite, energy etc separately as they don't always go up or down in unison, they're more like biorhythms, which is how a mixed state can occur in something that erroneously is labelled as bipolar when it's really manic depression
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