HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I'VE DONE TODAY. I got sleeping pills. Prescribed zopiclone 7.5s. Zopiclone is like a vastly superior version of zolpidem I think zolpidem is what Americans mean when they talk about Ambien. Zopiclone 7.5 is the best sleeper by far if you actually want to sleep and not abuse it. I say this as an old dr of mine sniffily described it knowing I was a heroin addict as a drug of abuse it is NOT abusing drugs to sleep when you are on a 26 to 36 to 48 hour sleep cycle. I kept forgetting what time people went to sleep and sleeping when I'd last woken up ie a day and a half later not a day later. Ukkkkkkkkkk.

As y'all can see I'm not going off my tree the way I was this morning. Why was that. I was trying not to do that but the intensity of the clang ang ang ang ong ong bong bing bong ting tongs was too much for my resonating brain not to go into and along with in the absence of any other coping mechanism that makes me not stress higher is the only way to go.

I got rid of teary-eyed friend by saying well if I do go more and more nuts how am I possibly going to handle it and not cause mighty disturbance in your house when you will want to sleep and I can't. That was the gist of it.

Teary eyed friend has enough problems of his own. Bad health problems that are physical not mental in essence. I don't need to upset anyone else.

O man HORRIBLE HISTORIES WHY DO THEY PUT THAT ON KIDDIES TV IT IS SHIT. It is the sort of crap that I remember from childhood. An adult's idea of children's entertainment. Probably only liked by highly bouigo fuckit middleclass kids who have tutors adn private schools and no childhood d why does no channel tune in. Was I so out of it I didn't notice? I don't care i WANT MY TELLY TO WORK.

Did I say I was going to NA today. Yeah I did. Well I will go. At least I seem 2 cause a trail of havoc everywhere I go. There is some fun to be hadn on that. Shame no wheels on the chairs swivel-style in there y'can have some pretty good childish fun on a chair with little wheels that goes like a space rocket and a computer somebody has left on BUT NO PASS CARD ARKHHHHH I COULD HAVE LEFT SOMETHING ENTERTAININGLY INAPPROPRIATE UP.

I just went all over the place into bits of akakakak ak ak ak akkkakakakakakakkaak

kkkkkkkkkkk

but am trying to FOCUS not like a locust hocus pocus opus III

fucking hell i have got to go i thought i was ok every bloody time EVERY TIME every time
i
try
to
focus
i
am
not
NOT

NOT IN ONE PLACE PALACE BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

I once knew someone with Paranoid Schizophrenia who mentioned "going down Buckingham Palace" and thought ... "that's a colourful way of getting arrested" i don't know what i said i certainly didn't try and set him off he was my friend i cannot getin touch with members of a dismantled clique and cliques are what i used to get into fucking psychoanalyse that if you want to waste your time someone else said We are a clique. I thought yeah we are. A heroin clique. With a nice Big Fat Bags dealer every morning. Yummmmmmmmmmmm.
I wonder if lithium is as much fun.
Don't you need a blood test with lithium.
I remember a woman at a psych clinic saying "I'm only here for a blood test" I thought "ha! manic depression" picked up enough bits and pieces over years to recognize that one bloody lithium. doesn't it taste nice sprinkled on fish and chips? i heard it tastes like salt. or is it just "a salt" as PROPER HEROIN is a salt. i wouldn't put THAT on fish and chips. wouldn't do anything with it now. WOULD HAVE put it straight in a vein.
which is why it is a salt
as HEROIN BASE IS CRAP why the HELL do they inflict that on us
no wonder i gave up
CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CARP IT IS DETERMINED TO TALK ABOUT JAPANESE FISH SO CARP ON.
What the hell was I on about. O yeah the chocolate dark gear sb mentioned with speckles in it, always had when i came across it, i used to love that one. really nice and strong. one of my favourites. another was beige and cooked up golden brown (not dark mahogany as recent)... cat litter (grey chunks) i loved. white was my favourite. white base. PROPER H4 white. THAT IS WHAT I LIKED.
note the past tense
what the hell am i going on about
i am tired
and
supposed
to be going to a fucking meeting which is isnt what which what ot not plot uu o stoppid just stop it.
The incoherence is mental. This thing keeps running off with ideas of its own stupid thing. I made a good joke earlier about a vespa scooter. To someone who only rides 1100cc with leathers and "back support" (what is that?)
i had some vivid headfucker fun by mentioning skin grafts as sequaelaeaeaeaeaea to a bike accident (if you don't wear leathers) ukkkkkkkkkkk
ko cor man gotta go go go go (not GO) i WOULD Have lamped somebody at some point. i "put a bad vibe in the room" by sharing at the last NA 2 days ago RANTING AWAY IN FURY.
of course they all think it is CRACK why would i POSSIBLY WANT TO SMOKE/INJECT COULD WOULD NOT EVER WASTE TIME SPLIFFING IT FUCKING HELL SOME WOMAN ONCE AT A MEETING SNOBBILY "ONLY SMOKED IT IN A SPLIFF SPLIFF PLIFF FUCKING SHUTTUP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE AN OLD JUNKIE I HATED THOSE FUCKING MEETINGS being the person in the room with the worst habit bar one time it made me want to puke also DARING CONTRADICT SOMEONE causing more hassle than it was worth these aw
were not NA
they were other meetings that are put together for anyone who wants to go.
I think some had offenders in them but they aren't punishment meetings when you have to bang on about shoplifting for 2 hours every morning or afternoon or be arrested. Then you can score outside. RIGHT OUTISIDE or find someone to pipe with if piping in company is your thing.
gotta lotta free crack that way when i did it
people who can't even smoke on their own whats wrong with them ha ha
ha ha ha only time i truly binged 20, 20, 20, 20, 20 £££££ was when someone else was paying. i binged at a far slower rate. i binged speedballs. i won't call them snowballs as snowballs are also advocaat and lemonade or more properly beautiful round pills that are trippy and strong and delicious from late 1992
should i avoid INJECTED WITH A POISON the "song" i never heard that one at a rave it was on Ultimate Rave II type compilations. not bc of ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY TAKING DRUGS NOW BECAUSE I DON'T DON'T DON'T
DO I NEED TO REPEAT THIS FOR AN ENTIRE PAGE
THAT I TAKE NO DRUGS AT ALL.
I HAD ONE BLACK COFFEE AND WAS ALREADY BOUNCING OFF WALLS AND PINGPONGONGONGONGONGINILNGNGINGINGGLNILGNG IN MY HEAD BY THE TIME COFFEE 2 HAD GONE COLD
that is what i meant by cocaine on the brain. COFFEE
bloody hell how can coffee possibly be so
strong??????????????????!!!!!????!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?
o i'm off now there is no

i can't concentrate to write

i decidede to post

i left a real bingkers bonkers manicshamanic Anna Grace finally admitted to using heroin again it's only been going on a short time. She is an addict with lots of problems including childhood ADD which was treated with Ritalin. From a young age. And bipolar. Which manifested BEFORE HEROIN ADDICTION. I really really think people who want to be so openly judgemental on that girls blog should fucking do one i'm getting more and more angry with them tghey want to shut up
and also perhaps think of leaving at least a street name or a made up name
so they are not just some random anonymous hwo you cant tell is anon1 anon2 anon3 anon4 or more

ok that's about it
probably off to NA
making no promises

will try i'm not entirely sure NA is the place to be. not at all.
there's healing. there is an obsession with drugs
which does my head in i don't need any bloody drugs doncha all get that
how can you POSSIBLY THINK OF DOING A PIPE ON CRACK WHEN YOU'RE AS HIGH AS I AM ALREADY THAT IS ABSOLUTELY CRAZY THAT IS HOW YOU GO SO BADLY COCKADOODLES YOU REALLY MIGHT CAUSE SOME TERRIBLE HARM
i may be a recovering junkie but i'm not StUPID
"stupid" not saint Upid. cupid. arrow. needle. in the arm. leg. finger linger push in
heroin
flow
go

go to NA.


thanks for all the comments i am going to have to read them about 4 times to know i have got what anybody actually said o why o why actually this does explain something

i can't be bothered explaining. to do with a bad attention span. bad to terminal but alive doesn't terminal mean ill? or an aeroplane terminal or a train terminal/us all of us at St Pancras station you can get to Paris there I wish I was in Paris hey I ...........

............will leave it there why do i sound so fucking out of it i'm so tired i need to sleep

18:01 OK this is opus iii
i once shared a house with somebody who went to school with kirsty hirkshaw whateverthefuckhernameis and said she was a real prissy person, which is kind of ironic when you see the person she turned into ie probably she is a person like me who was one person at one time and another at another so fucking what anyway WHAT THE HELL IS THE LABEL OLD SCHOOL DOING ON THIS this was only ever derivative music, never "rave" maybe like the prodigy it was played on white label before being released in a pop format with professional video, i remember her on top of the pops twiddling chinese shiny hand balls



ps ideas please and quick: i'm leaving for NA within the hour it's just after 6pm.
Shall I wind 'em all up by saying my Dear Old Aunt died leaving me a half mil which I'm blowing on crack and nearly all out?
Or shall I tell BITTER UNVARNISHED FULL-ON DETAILED (AND THIS REALLY WILL SEND ME OFF) GREAT FUCKING AAKAKDKDKADSKDSKFANESS THING???????
Or tell a grown up yeah boring crap this is probably what I'm meant to do:
shall I be a bit circumspect and say o i'm not coping very well and it's an ongoing problem that started before the drugs
well i think i have my answer and i am trying to be calm i don't feel it i don't feel calm
going to na sets me off
being there there is a serenity. i don't feel it as such, i feel less hyped up in there
o somebody say something please. Anyway

oh fucking hell what am i saying nobody who knows their coke and knows britain would blow a half mil on the crap they were selling last time i was into crack. you'd make up your own coke freebase. FAR wiser (crackhead-wise!!)
(are crackheads ever wise?)
only at doing a lot of fucked up things they probably wouldnnt be proud of later!

6 comments:

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Rant Rant Rant. Maybe you are allergic to coffee? One day try Viet coffee that shit is mental!

Hope ya had a good sleep :)

Gledwood said...

No I don't think I need any more mental shit I'm falling to pieces darling!

Or is it caffeine free.

Is it true you can get brown hash-looking heroin base from Vietnam or is that just the cowshit you hear on the street? I can't recall you woulndnt be the person to ask anyhow

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Can you tell them what you're comfortable saying?
I don't know.
Let us know how it goes.
j.

bugerlugs63 said...

be interested 2 c what u think of zoppis. i used to get 4/5 hours of vivid dreams/nightmares then wake up very suddenly with emotional hang-over from dreams and feel exhausted from it all. hopefully u wont. but it takes months 2 get back to sleeping at night (without drink/spliff or ote). i can only go by what u write but u seem a lot more "together" (i would only use inverted commas on written word- i wouldnt do that thing with the rabbit ears on both hands if i was speaking- i have tried and couldnt bring myself 2 do it) anyway yeah a lot more together today. u had a wash and i aint taking the piss when i say that is hard work with the clinging clangings. every thing is a major task. i said 2 my bro who luckily was helping me with kids at time; "i cant think"- thats all i could say and that sounded hollow,flat and senseless. he said u dont have to think for now. but i couldnt explain what i meant, and still cant. even a little thought like- r the kids uniforms ready 4 tomoz- was broken into bits and i couldnt put the bits in order. i was scared. i really dint c how i would get any sense of order back. anyway enough of me this is about u - sorry. bear in mind it is a full moon. dont know if was vietnamese but bought some once like that. i thought it was a peice of christmas cake. then crumbly hash. i said i gotta test it cus i thought if i do get ripped £40, people(God knows who i thought the people were) will say serves u right buying that shit. and though the dealer said - if i was gonna rip u i wunt have brought this along- i still was suspicious. but it was good better than good. it lasted ages and never seen any again. hope u get a proper good sleep, that makes u feel like u have had a proper good sleep. x

Gledwood said...

buggerlugs: zipzopps i've had before
i would mark them a low abuse potential as unlike temazepam you don't get a high and say "im so good i dont wanna be fussed sleeping now" as i did before...
... they blank you out better. temazepam 10 never made anyone sleep; temazepam 20 may just about with mild insomnia but it's too mild; temazepam 30 possibly but really you need 40mg I'd say

zopiclone 7.5 is easily equivalent to 30mg temazepam

only disadvantage: memory loss

somebody once phoned me just after it cam eon i blearily picked up and ended up agreeing to come to amsterdam.

or more to the point being reminded of my amsterdam trip plans a while after the fact and tracing them to one blank phone call!

amsterdam had CLUBBING and parties as well as bulbfields, rijksmuseums etc etc... "coffee houses" serving up cannabis absolutely not my cuppa that is TEA in an EXASTY HOUSE that's what id' have run. an ecstasy, meow and MDA, 2c-T7 designer psychedeics house.....

wow 00:17 the bitter taste of zopiclone's in my mouth meaning it's working already, and i feel it drowsingly already

tafffeta: i think i need to tell more than im comfortable saying ~ arent you supposed to come to NA for "acceptance". Well I feel distinctly little on that score. I feel Serenity.

Which interferes with my higher power in a sense... wow gotta put head down these pills are good 0020

Syd said...

I would go to NA and be honest. Just speak your truth. That is the best that any one of us can do. It may not be pretty, but it is what you feel.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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